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May 2016
Puttin' on the Gritz

Work It Out Without Me

I cringed the minute I stepped inside that oversized den of stinky sweat and throbbing tendons and saw the throng of well-turned-out women dressed in gymnastically correct leotards and coordinated thongs. At that very moment, a sudden craving for serious chocolate dropped down on top of me as if it came straight from God.

Agelessly Yours

A Wrinkle in the Winter of Our Lives

They say one of today's greatest fears is struggling with old age, but we've dealt with other hurdles — adolescence and middle age – and we never were driven to dumping Drano over our spaghetti to end it all; we managed to go on.

Ernie's World

As FREE as the Wind Blows!

“I’ll bet this is where they get you,” I said, pointing at a large basket of chips, fruit bars, sodas, waters and other treats. Probably ten bucks for each item.”

“Says here, everything in the basket is free. Too bad we are still stuffed from lunch.”

“Right,” I said, swallowing an entire bag of M&Ms.


A Week Without Joy

That, of course, is one of the dumbest expressions ever uttered by a married man. There’s only one thing I would want to do if I really were a bachelor for a week, and I think you know exactly what I’m talking about: I want to eat my dinner standing up at the sink.

April 2016
Laverne's View

Hip, Hip, Hooray

I was sent home with volumes of paperwork and instructed to read it thoroughly. On page 23, I began to hyperventilate when I realized it was, basically, a crash course in how to keep my new hip from popping out, and what to do if my leg turns green and pulsates.

As I See It

Eek! A Creepy Critter!

The motion knocked him onto the hood of the car, but then the forces of nature were against us, for the wind racing across the hood threw him up against the windshield where all four legs were splayed out, his belly against the window.

Agelessly Yours

Tickling Your Taste Buds

It's a bloated uncomfortable feeling to haul around all your meals, drinks, and snacks for the last 30 years, but apparently it's not that discomforting because we don't go on that dreaded four-letter word — diet. Have you ever noticed how all the worst sounding words have four letters in them? Words like hate, evil, yell, pain, and that despicable F-word.

Ernie's World

A Working Vacation

Earlier, we had seen a turtle laying on the beach at Anaeho'omalu Bay – commonly referred to as A Bay by people who don't want to try to pronounce that many vowels. Then I watched all these tourists grunt as they tried to figure out how to set up their combo beach chair/umbrella/snorkel, fin, mask bag/organic smoothie maker.


Whole Lot of Trouble

But at Whole Foods, almost everything on the shelves is edible – except stuff that is fat-free, gluten-free or sugar-free…which, come to think of it, is almost everything.

March 2016
Social Insecurity

It’s Winter, It’s Cold, It Snows

It also seems as if a thermometer reading of minus ten degrees isn’t cold enough anymore, now we have to be further tormented with something called “wind-chill,” defined as the perceived decrease in air temperature felt by the body . . . blah, blah, blah. Or, what used to be more simply and colorfully referred to as “freezing your butt off.”

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