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August 2016

Georgia Still on My Mind

I once considered being a Walmart greeter. It looked like such a low-stress job, but a friend told me that he saw their employment contract and it included a reference to being nice to people. Like I’d sign something like that?

July 2016
The Old Gal

A Life Fitted to Reality

Nowadays, I leave it to the dryer to carry out the folding task. Whatever shape, ball, knot or wad my sheets are in when the dryer has finished the drying cycle, is exactly how they get shoved back into the linen closet (partnered to the correct set or not), ready to adorn a bed the following week.

Lawrenzi, Jr.

The Pleasures of Dining out

I said this to a woman who was celebrating her 90th birthday with her six grandchildren in Albuquerque, N.M. She caught on to the joke and whispered back loud enough for all to hear, “But I'm the only one with an unexpired credit card.”

Puttin' on the Gritz

Age Is Only A Number If You Say So

What is it about being the older generation that is so difficult to accept? Why is it that when someone dares to utter the phrase, “old age beats the alternative,” the gnashing of teeth sounds like the roar of a tsunami?


The Nose Gets Lucky

The thing is, my relatives happily thought they looked like somebody handsome or beautiful and were content with their delusions. I, on the other hand, had a terrible complex about my nose. In high school my nickname was The Nose (it was not a very creative high school).

Agelessly Yours

The Bible Says That?

“You should avoid people who contribute to the deterioration of your morale and quality of your life,” the Bible tells us. Well, it doesn’t exactly say that, but it does say, “Better to eat a crust of bread with a kind person than a steak with a craphead.” Okay, maybe it doesn’t exactly say that either, but you get the gist, don’t you?

Ernie's World

Aliens Have Taken My Brain

Minutes later they placed me on a movable bed like a torpedo and pushed me into a huge metal tube surrounded by a giant circular magnet that was designed to align my hydrogen atoms, expose them to a beam of radio waves, spin my protons, and hopefully buy me a nice meal afterward or something.

June 2016
The Old Gal

Reader Discretion Advised

I've lost count of the times I've been watching television in the company of guests only to be unexpectedly confronted by an ad for lovemaking superfluities, personal hygiene remedies, constipation tonics or body enhancers! Half the time I don’t even know my guest’s middle names, let alone what feminine hygiene routines they follow or which products they prefer to enrich their libidos.

The Hippocratic Oaf

Middle School Politics: You Hang Up First!

We remember 6th or 7th grade and watching some kid who has stood up and continued to resist authority. We probably did not agree with some or many things that were said, but looked at the defiance with varying levels of emotion, mesmerized by the dull admiration reserved for spectacular fools or daredevils.


Dreaded Dentist Gets His Due

When he finally did start using Novocain, the needles were so thick that injections made me see stars. At the end of each visit, his receptionist always handed me a lollipop to ensure that I’d be back with more cavities.

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