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December 2016
Gray Matter

Aging Gracefully? Not Me.

I can’t remember the last time I got down on the floor to do anything. Except that time I dropped my ring under the couch and the couch was too heavy to move. That time I was rolling around on the floor for over two hours. It took two firemen to hoist me up.

Levine's Levity

Bucket List No Laughing Matter

One goal was to be a comedian. This odd desire was based on having cracked one-liners for the entertainment of my drunken frat brothers. My dad nixed the life coaching firm by pointing out that I could save $500 by just listening to him, whose advice was “Get off your ass and get a job.”

Social Insecurity

Already Broke My New Year’s Resolutions — and Proud of It

I resolve that by the end of 2017 I will have less hair on my head and more hair on my nose and ears. I have made this resolution for at least the last ten years and have carried it out faithfully each year.

Ernie's World

A Tale of Retail

But the most interesting days of the entire year in retail were the day just before Christmas and the day just after Christmas. On the day before people were desperate to find that one last gift for the random person they had completely forgotten about.


Washing My Hands of It

Both Dr. Gerba and Dr. Carroll agree that the kitchen floor is far cleaner than the armrest on your easy chair, but still not as disgusting as your can opener, which is almost pristine compared to your TV remote. Toilet seats are relatively germ-free, at least compared to the handle on your fridge door.

November 2016
Gray Matter

15 Things Women Say and What They Really Mean

“That guy the next block over gave me a look today.”
What the man hears: I want you to go knock his block off.
What she really means: Other men find me attractive. You’d better step up your game or I’m out of here. Also get rid of the beard.

Vintage Vibes

A Sticky Situation

And yes, knowing that the whole point of hair removal by waxing is to rip it away, I did try that. Ever read about the torture technique of ripping fingernails off? Well, this is similar! After two hours of desperately trying to cut, rip, or melt hair and wax I was finally able to stand upright, though hurting from all the missing skin.

Vintage Vibes

Slip and Slide Thanksgiving

I opened the door to discover that most of our guests had arrived at the same time. Standing in a large puddle of dirty water and dripping gumbo I smiled sweetly and said, “Y’all may want to abstain from hugging us and just slip-slide through the water and gumbo to wherever you can find a clean spot.”


Assembling a Fake Christmas Tree: 'Bah Humbug'

I could have bought a live tree, set it up, and played nine holes of golf in the time it took to set this thing up. Then I tried to justify the $298 I paid for it. That was about six years' worth of live trees. So, I remember thinking, I would break even on my 7-1/2 foot artificial tree in 2021.


Memoir Title: ‘The Day the Pigs Ate Uncle Harry’s Fingers?’

He just lit one cigarette off another. His wife, Aunt Frances, inhaled enough secondary smoke to kill a small town. She died a couple of years ago when she was 100 years old. Everyone knew that Thedo’s cigarette smoke would get to her sooner or later.

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