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Humor July 2018

How to Be a Geezer

By Mary Stobie

Geezers are tough. Geezers are distinctive and ornery. A geezer has a strong identity. If you want to be called a geezer, here’s how to do it.

According to Webster’s dictionary a geezer is an old grumpy man. But in my opinion with the advent of transgender identities, and for the purpose of this column, a geezer can be a man or a woman. Older men are not the only ones stuck in their ways. In other words in 2018, the year of “change,” a geezer is a fuddy duddy of either sex.

If you are a people pleaser, kiss  people’s buttocks and are sick of it, you may want to become a geezer. Geezers are tough. Geezers are distinctive and ornery. A geezer has a strong identity. If you want to be called a geezer, here’s how to do it.

  1. Every time you drive you a car put two hands on the steering wheel. Clutch the steering wheel as tight as you can until your knuckles turn white.
  2. When you slowly drive up to a stoplight, stop on amber. Close your eyes and meditate until the car behind you honks the horn. Stick your arm out the window and flip the bird.
  3. Drive 30mph on a 45mph mountain road. When a long line of cars builds up behind
    you, don’t speed up or pull over.
  4. Move into the fast lane on the freeway and drive 15 miles below the speed limit. When cars pass you on the right, just smile and wave at them.   
  5. Never go out after dark. On Saturday night stay home and watch Lawrence Welk on PBS.
  6. Write checks at the grocery checkout stand. Then take 20 minutes searching for your driver’s license. When you find it, tell the checker, “ Oh, I forgot I have coupons...pluck out coupons and hold the line another 20 minutes. Ignore murmurs behind you.
  7. If you are paying with cash at the market, pay with coins. Count out exact change down to the penny.
  8. To anyone who will listen, complain about your aches and pains. When you trap a listener, talk, talk, talk without pausing until your victim’s eyes glaze over. Then add more stories about your surgical operations, stories about your long lost saintly mother, and old friends from your youth.
  9. When you are on Pandora, the music radio for iphones, choose Rolling Stones radio.
    Swing your hips to Creedence Clearwater Revival, Marshall Tucker Band, The Who, Tom Petty, and the Eagles, etc. “This music from the ‘70s and ‘80s is the best,” you claim.
  10. When you play softball, use a walker to get to first base.

Okay, now you have claimed the identity of a geezer. Doesn’t it feel great to stop pleasing everyone, and to be proud of your age?

 

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