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Reflections January 2013

Laverne's View

I'm Having a Physical Fitness Fit

By Laverne Bardy

Every day the media reminds me that I am out of sync with the rest of the world. The government is presently designing a dollar bill on which running shoes replace George Washington's face. Sweat was officially added to the list of American symbolisms, along with apple pie, the flag and mom.

ps_bardyI hate exercise. There is nothing about being hot, exhausted and in pain that appeals to me. The most active thing I did this week was struggle to rip open a bag of Oreos.

Every day the media reminds me that I am out of sync with the rest of the world. The government is presently designing a dollar bill on which running shoes replace George Washington's face. Sweat was officially added to the list of American symbolisms, along with apple pie, the flag and mom. Ellen De Generes is promoting a line of bridal warm-up suits. Anti-perspirants are being phased from market shelves and replaced with cans of instant sweat aerosols.

Last week I hosted a support group for a group of 50-plus men and women who shared a bond – their utter disdain for exercise. They entered my house, one by one, lethargic, sluggish, overweight. There was a time when they were accepting of what they were, but the world’s obsession with physical fitness had interfered with their lifestyle and left them feeling disgraced and embarrassed.

The first unhappy person spoke. "Hello, my name is Portia Portly and I am a non-athlete."

She was greeted warmly. "I couldn't bear the stares any longer," she sobbed. "Everyone could see that I wasn’t an athlete, so I bought a tennis outfit to be seen in at the supermarket.”

Portia’s idea was applauded, voted on and accepted as future policy.

"I joined a health club," confessed a rather pudgy business man. "Now I can tell my macho associates I’m a member. They needn’t know I only go for massages.”

I felt compelled to cleanse my conscience. “When my boyfriend completed his sixth marathon, he returned home and found me lying in the yard. How could I admit that while he'd been running over 26 miles I'd been sun bathing? I told him I'd sprained my ankle doing jumping jacks and was waiting for him to carry me indoors.”

Everyone empathized.

“A perfect example of prejudice towards non-athletes happened to my cousin, Martha,” announced a woman who preferred to remain nameless. “Martha devised an inexpensive source of fuel by extracting the energy from a 40-year-old diet pill she’d found in her medicine cabinet. She received presidential praise and was up for the Nobel Prize for Great Achievements – and then the bomb dropped. An in-depth interview with Martha revealed that she was not committed to being physically active. As a result, her credibility became suspect and she is currently under investigation by both the CIA and Richard Simmons.”

The meeting concluded after 20 minutes, when the food ran out and there was no new business to whine about.

If you feel out of place because you don't smell from perspiration, don't need a knee brace, aren't getting cortisone shots, and don't own a terry cloth head band, join us next Saturday at 10:00 a.m. in front of the YMCA, and be prepared to march for THE RIGHT TO BE INACTIVE. Please be prompt as the parade is scheduled to last only ten minutes. The local first aid squad has, kindly, volunteered to be on hand for those requiring treatment for exhaustion.

 

Laverne's book, "How The (Bleep) Did I Get This Old?" is available at amazon.com and other online bookstores. Website: www.lavernebardy.com - E-mail her at: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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