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Humor June 2013

Circling the Drain

Coming In for a Landing

By Allen Smith

The face of the watch displays large, easy to read numbers, indicating the time you have left on earth in years, months, days and minutes. What could be better? It also has an illuminated face, so you can read it at night AND it’s waterproof, so you can wear it surfing in Hawaii or floating face down in the Hudson River.</p

Of the millions of absurd inventions advertised on TV, only a few have piqued my interest enough to lighten my wallet. There have been thousands of ingenious tools meant to make life easier that didn't appeal to me in the least – anything having to do with golf, children, pets, boating, bowling, women's products (although I confess to trying out the butt lifter for two weeks before returning it), any form of tool associated with hunting wild animals or washing cars. Some inventions haven't progressed much further than the patent stage. That doesn't mean that they weren't good ideas. Some just need a little more time to gather a following. Others could be on the brink of changing my life.

One of the problems I've wrestled with my entire life is knowing when I'm going to die. Entering appointments into my Blackberry and remembering holidays gives me a reason to live. On the other hand, not knowing exactly when I'm going to depart this earth is not only frustrating, it causes a lot of problems and costs me money. If I knew that I was going to have a fatal heart attack tomorrow morning, I wouldn't worry about eating a double bacon cheeseburger for dinner or paying next month's mortgage. If I was absolutely sure that I had only hours to live, I'd put it into overdrive and buy that $500 million life insurance policy for my family.

So, as a mere mortal, I was ecstatic to learn that someone has already patented a tool that can help me pinpoint with accuracy, just when I'm going to go. It's called the Life Expectancy Watch.

The Life Expectancy Watch is a handy timepiece that you wear on your wrist, just like a wristwatch. But, instead of keeping track of time as it marches forward, it lets you know how much time you have left on earth.

When you open the box, the first thing you notice is that time is already running out. Don't let that bother you. Before it will tell you exactly when you're going to keel over, you have to calibrate it according to the enclosed actuarial table that lists variables like your age, gender, where you live, who you associate with, if you smoke or drink, how many outstanding arrest warrants you have and other things that will impact your life span. A 57-year-old, alcoholic bank robber riding with the Oakland Hells Angels is likely to have worse news ahead of him than a 27-year-old, yoga instructor living in Maui.

The face of the watch displays large, easy to read numbers, indicating the time you have left on earth in years, months, days and minutes. What could be better? It also has an illuminated face, so you can read it at night AND it’s waterproof, so you can wear it surfing in Hawaii or floating face down in the Hudson River.

The Life Expectancy Watch comes with a number of handy buttons that will help you fine-tune your mortal end. For instance: I don't like to sky dive, but if I did, buttons on the face of the watch would allow me to tick off valuable minutes from my life – even if I survived a crash. And, if you love foods ladened with fat and cholesterol, you can easily shorten your life by the push of a button. It even has helpful acceleration and deceleration settings that will make the watch run faster during the Christmas holidays when you're pounding down the egg nog and smoking cigars and slower when you're spending the weekend at your in-laws. And, if you're one of those people who need to be reminded about everything, you can set a handy alarm to inform you of your last minutes on earth.

As I get older, there's one thing that seems to increase besides my age — the number of nighttime visits to the toilet. There's no getting around it, blindly fumbling my way from my dark bedside, down the hall to the commode can be risky business, resulting in stubbed toes and broken furniture. One alternative is to turn on the lights, blinding the entire family. Thankfully, there is another way.

Toilet Landing Lights were developed for people who are tired of whacking their knees while shuffling through dark rooms to find the bathroom. Toilet Landing Lights use proven aviation technology, creating a circle of gentle blue lights that are mounted under the rim of the urinal, emitting a gentle glow – much like coming in for a landing on an airplane. It takes less than 15 minutes to attach the lights to the commode. They even come with their own portable battery pack, so you can take them with you when you spend the weekend at relatives’ homes . When visiting the can in the dark, not only will you know where the commode is, you'll be able to tell whether or not someone's left the lid down, preventing you from peeing all over the walls and the floor. And if you have limited visibility leading to the downstairs bathroom, you'll want to opt for the additional "Runway Light Kit" – two strips of friendly white lights that point you safely to the entrance to the bathroom – just like an airstrip.

Toilet Landing Lights can be ordered singly, in pairs, in a variety of attractive colors and with pulsating bulbs to give you that real airport runway feeling. The only thing missing is the flight attendant instructing you to return to your seat!

It's hard to imagine that these inventions haven't taken off and flooded the markets by now. Just like the Alarm Fork, Big Balls, Beerella, Diaper Alarm, Fingertip Toothbrush, Kissing Shield, Kneepad Earmuffs and the Wearable Dog House, they probably just need a little more time. Most good products do.

 

Allen Smith, of Vail, Colorado is the author of “Watching Grandma Circle the Drain” and “Ski Instructors Confidential.” He can be reached www.snowwriter.com.

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