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Humor May 2013

Ernie's World

Memorable Day Weekend

By Ernie Witham

Of course! I've had an avid interest in art ever since my senior year when they told me I had to do three things to actually graduate high school: Show up to class more than three days a week. Stop trying to sneak into the girl's locker room. And take one more elective. I chose Art 101.

The stars have aligned, lady luck has blown me a kiss, and the gods that watch over the verklempt have smiled down upon me. Yup, in an event more unusual than a Democratic gun rally or a Republican-sponsored conference on climate change, I have a four-day weekend coming up for Memorial Day. Not counting the time I accidentally drank my body weight in Syrah at an all-you-can-consume wine festival, I don't think I've had four straight days off work since I quit my paper route at age 14.

I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I guess I could go to the beach and perfect my award-winning tan.

"Ah, mister, can you please put your shirt back on? The glare is causing people to walk into palm trees and fall over picnic tables."

Or maybe I could take part in one of the many sporting events sure to be held — like volleyball.

"I got it! I got it!"

"Great, only the idea isn't to catch it, slam it into the ground, and do — what I can only assume — is a victory dance. That's football."

"Oh yeah. Though you have to admit I made a couple of great tackles."

Or maybe I could help crew a sailboat in one of the many regattas to be held near the harbor.

"Port! Port! Your other port! Ahhhhhhh." Splash.

Or maybe I should try something simpler like playing Frisbee with the grandkids.

"Anyone see where that one went?"

"I think it landed on the freeway again."

Or I guess I could just invite a bunch of people over to the house for one of my famous cookouts.

"What is... was this?"

“Chicken, I think?"

"And this?"

"Either it's potato salad or that sculpture I made in ceramics class."

I scanned a few websites for upcoming events. Group drumming in the park.

Nah. I tried that once. Do you know how hard it is to walk home wearing a drum around your neck?

Mixed doubles tennis? Maybe my wife and I could become a team.

"Not on your life. I've still got ball marks on the back of my head from last time."

Horseback riding along the bluffs?

"Give it a couple more years. The horses all still remember you. Just showing them your photo makes them all lie on their backs and play dead."

There must be something....I Madonnari! Santa Barbara's chalk drawing festival in front to the Mission.

Of course! I've had an avid interest in art ever since my senior year when they told me I had to do three things to actually graduate high school: Show up to class more than three days a week. Stop trying to sneak into the girl's locker room. And take one more elective. I chose Art 101.

"Ah, what is that?"

"It's a combination of Renoir's 'Luncheon of the Boating Party.' and Coolidge's 'Dogs Playing Poker.'"

"Which ones are the dogs?"

I've learned a lot since then and I've even offered my help to other budding young artists at previous I Madonnari festivals.

"Mom! That guy who eats chalk and always steps on our drawings is back."

This year will be different, though. This year I will sketch something out first and get the approval of some of the artists in my family.

Sketch. Sketch. Sketch. "Hey Leila, what do you think about this one?"

"It that your sculpture from ceramics class?"

No, ah, it's the Mission at sunset."

"Ha-ha. Good one."

Sketch. Sketch. Sketch. "Hey Charlie, what do you think about this one?"

"Cool. I love that Transformers movie."

"Actually it's a sailboat on a moonlit night."

"Ha-ha. Good one."

Sketch. Sketch. Sketch. "Hey Christy, what do you think about this one?"

"I think I'm going to have bad dreams for a month."

"Here you go," my wife said, handing me a stack of books. "You're always complaining you don't have enough time to read."

"But what about all that other stuff?"

"Well, why don't you put on a few ace bandages and grab an ice pack? It will be just like doing those things only without the medical expenses."

I grabbed a beer, put my Red Sox cap on backwards, and put on my "for the active guy" reading glasses. Let the excitement begin.

 

Meet Ernie