Seems like I've been making New Year's resolutions forever. The first time I made a comprehensive list, I used a "Davy Crockett" souvenir pencil and wrote it on the inside of a "Draw this and qualify for correspondence art school" matchbook. First item on the list was: "Get a new matchbook 'Picasso' you wrote all over the address to send your drawing to."
I think making resolutions is a great idea but the odds of success are slim-to-nil. Most people make the same resolutions year after year because they keep failing to maintain them. I know this stick-to-it-ness thing has kept me from achieving my goals of becoming a brain surgeon, a trapeze artist or a porno star.
It's also kept me thinking about resolutions I might actually be able to keep. But it seems like 2013 might finally be the year I've come up with maintainable ones.
At first I wasn't going to bother because, according to the Mayan calendar, the world was going to end in December. But I think what happened was someone found a few Mayans kicking it somewhere in the cannabis fields of inner Mexico and these discoverers brought up the whole end of the world thing, and the Mayans suddenly realized that: "Holy crap! We're not ready to go yet. We, ah, meant to say December 21, 3012."
So, now that we still have a future, I am determined to succeed this year, and I've set what I think are some achievable world-altering goals.
For instance, this year I plan on eating more potatoes. Not only will it help the economic recovery of our country by employing more people from Idaho, it could also be a boon to the manufacturers of those spud guns that shoot potatoes with enough force to dent a car, which will be a blessing for the auto repair business. Therefore when asked at the finer restaurants of the Central Coast if I want garlic mashed, twice-backed or scalloped potatoes with my lumberjack steak dinner, I will simply say: "Yes." I also promise to consume more hash browns and to super-size all my French fry orders.
For my second resolution I plan to go to the gym less often. This will be tough because I just purchased a brand new one-piece spandex outfit that makes me look fitter than a deflated tractor tire, and because of all those great televisions with every ESPN channel known to mankind. Still it will ease traffic by one car every other Tuesday, which will help save our infrastructure by making roads last longer and will cut down on my personal consumption of gasoline used during the three-mile bi-weekly round trip.
This will give me more time to work on my third goal: Write less. Yes, this year I will try to pare down my words to a bare minimum and I'll try my best not to get anything published. This will cut down on computer time, which will save beaucoup kilowatts and save all the trees it takes to publish the books I produce once every ten years or so. I'm also going to ask my editor if I can change my humor column into an occasional humor tweet, which will prevent eyestrain for my readers and save thousands the cost of Lasik surgery, which will reduce healthcare costs.
I'm also going to try to achieve less at my job this year. This will make everyone else at the company feel better about themselves and want to take yoga classes and read Zen books. It might even result in a raise for them, and they can thank me by buying some of those books I mentioned earlier.
This will free up space in the garage, where I can put my car, which will mean I won't ever have to wash it again which will save enough water to irrigate the Mojave Desert. It will also save the old hole-ly T-shirts I use to dry my car, which I can share with people at work, which will cut down on the need for air-conditioning.
Finally, this year to help save oxygen I plan on moving around less on weekends and taking more naps. I think I'll start this last resolution right now.