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Humor December 2015

The Grumpy Old Man

Grumpy Celebrates ‘Mature’ Accomplishments

By Donald Rizzo

What this proves is that people over 65 are desperate for attention and should be carefully watched because they tend to try ridiculous stunts for no good reason. (My golf shots are a good example of that phenomenon.)

Another year has gone by – time to reflect on what the ravages of aging are doing to us septuagenarians. (Ugh what an ugly word.) When you get well into your 70s, the conventional wisdom is to hit the rocker with an afghan over your knees and re-read your will for typos and entertainment.

To stave off depression and pump a little inspiration through my ever-narrowing arteries, I decided to do a little googling on the accomplishments of mature people. I eliminated politicians even though they stay in office well into drooling senility. However, this is about accomplishing something and about "maturity." Enough said on that subject.

I found there was no need to despair. It seems that history is replete with older people who accomplish amazing things. It's not too late! Take Lee Edmond, for example. At age 70 she holds the record for the female with the longest fingernails. Over 30 feet when measured in total, with the longest single nail measuring nearly three feet. I challenge the ladies out there to take on that record. She began the process in 1979 by the way. So the real award should be for patience. She should also get some recognition for never having impaled anyone.

Then there's Jack LaLanne. If you're under 100 you may not remember Jack. He was a physical fitness guru who made tons of money by doing crazy stunts. For example, in 1980 at age 66, he towed 10 boats with 77 people aboard for over a mile in less than an hour. In 1984 at 70, he handcuffed and shackled himself and fighting strong winds and current he towed 70 boats with 70 people aboard for a mile and a half. What this proves is that people over 65 are desperate for attention and should be carefully watched because they tend to try ridiculous stunts for no good reason. (My golf shots are a good example of that phenomenon.)

How about Rose Lunsway, 90 and Forrest Lunsway, 100. They got married recently and pretty much hold the record for the oldest couple to marry. I could think of a number of wise remarks to make about their union, but if you think I'm going there, fuggetabout it. You go Forrest, baby!

Okay, maybe my examples didn't knock your socks off. Try these out:

Michelangelo was still designing churches at age 88. Peter Roget was updating his famous thesaurus when he died at age 90. Leo Tolstoy learned to ride a bicycle at age 67 and wrote I Cannot Be Silent at 82. Eamonn de Valera served as president of Ireland at 91. Albert Schweitzer was operating his hospital in Lambarene, French Equatorial Africa, at 89.

Thomas Edison produced the telephone at 84. Benjamin Franklin helped in the writing of the United States Constitution when he was 81. Claude Monet began painting his famous Water Lily series at age 76 and finished the work at age 85. Elizabeth Arden managed her cosmetics company through her 85th year. Frank Lloyd Wright designed the Marin County civic center in California at age 88. Leopold Stokowski signed a six-year recording contract at age 94. Pianist Arthur Rubinstein performed professionally until he was 90. Pablo Casals was playing the cello at age 96 and George Bernard Shaw was writing plays at age 91. And at age 100 Grandma Moses was still painting pictures, while another centenarian, Tesichi Igarishi, celebrated his 100 years by climbing to the 12,395-foot high summit of Mount Fuji.

When Georges Clemenceau took the leadership of France in 1917 during World War I, he was 76. Winston Churchill was called to head the British government in World War II at age 66. He wrote A History of the English-speaking Peoples at age 82. Charles de Gaulle was elected president of France at 69, the same age as Ronald Reagan when he became the 40th American president. Amos Alonzo Stagg, who retired at 70 as football coach at the University of Chicago, the next year became coach of a small California college (now the University of the Pacific). He produced a winning team, was named Coach of the Year, and was still a coaching advisor at age 98. He died in 1965 at 102.

NOTE: I stole the above intact from the Internet. Plagiarism restrictions don't apply to an old guy who may end up towing a rowboat full of golfers across a water hazard to prove he can be just as nutty as the next septuagenarian.


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