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Humor March 2015

Seniors Will Save the Nation!

By John C. Liburdi

Modern automobiles will shut down as viruses ruin their imbedded computer systems. So, elders will have to teach younger folks how to drive old cars imported from Cuba. With no GPS navigation systems available, every gas station will need a senior on staff to teach the art of folding paper maps.

North Korea’s recent cyber attack on the Hollywood film industry proved to be a wake-up call for America. It’s now widely understood and accepted that our country’s entire computer-based infrastructure is vulnerable to hostile attacks, and it’s nearly impossible to defend against them. The global Internet is actually the foundation upon which our global society and global economy stand. Today, all countries are so interconnected and interdependent that we can’t simply unplug from worldwide networks as a defense measure.

So, what’s our expected fate if “geek” terrorists launch a cyber attack and shut down the national infrastructure? Much of Generation X and the entire Millennium generation will go into severe culture shock. With the loss of the Internet and computers, they’ll become zombies, wandering around streets littered with discarded smartphones and computer tablets. It will be up to older people across the country to jump-start the nation and get it back on its feet. They’re the ones who were living a sensible lifestyle until younger generations sold our collective souls to computer tycoons like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs.

Seniors will have to mentor young people on traditional ways of traveling from point A to point B. Modern automobiles will shut down as viruses ruin their imbedded computer systems. So, elders will have to teach younger folks how to drive old cars imported from Cuba. With no GPS navigation systems available, every gas station will need a senior on staff to teach the art of folding paper maps. Also, airplanes that rely on “fly-by-wire” computer systems will be grounded; thus, trains will become the primary mode of long-distance travel. Millions of riders will need to be tutored on train schedule interpretation and sleeper car etiquette.

Obviously, oldsters all know how to conduct business, even without computers. ATM machines will be out of service and credit cards won’t work anymore; thus, thousands of bank tellers will be called out of retirement to meet the overwhelming demand for big wads of paper money. One can also expect that the inability to shop online will bring back the mom and pop stores of yesteryear. The loss of Internet, TV and radio will drive big changes in advertising. Spam will once again be just something to eat – and armies of old folks will take to the streets, adorned with sandwich board advertisements.

Necessary changes in education will shock the academic community to its “common core.” Without the ability to Google for information, the old door-to-door encyclopedia sales force will rise again. Elderly teachers will be showing students how to solve math problems using vintage slide rules rather than math apps on computers and smart tablets. And with the loss of email capability, computer keyboards will be rendered useless; kids will have to learn how to handwrite letters — activity that might even make the Postal Service a self-sustaining enterprise!

The family nucleus will necessarily change in many homes. Ignored grandparents will be lured back home to live with their kids. It’s always nice to have loving grandmas around, but there’s an ulterior motive in this case. There’ll be no electricity to run washing machines, vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, kitchen mixers, etc. Who better than highly experienced grannies to deal with all the housekeeping chores in the manual mode? Grandpas will stay busy feeding and training vicious “hired gun” dogs that replace defunct home alarm systems.

Social relationships will see dramatic change. Facebook friends will be gone forever; so, grandmas will have to demonstrate how to coffee klatch with nearby neighbors that the kids never wanted to meet. Family photos stored in the Internet “cloud” will also be permanently lost. As a result, antique shops will experience a huge demand for conventional cameras and — once film becomes available again — grandpas will teach kids how to manually focus a camera. Online computer games will no longer be accessible so dusty Parcheesi and Monopoly board games will be brought down from attics for families to enjoy.

Yes, whenever the big cyber attack occurs, it’ll be back-to-basics for quite some time. Drafting elderly people into public service will be the only way to save our nation, and retirement homes will become the cultural and learning centers of America. Most seniors won’t be able to resist uttering the occasional “I told you so,” which is certainly a small price to pay for all the good they’ll be doing. Of course, it remains to be seen if younger generations will be humble and respectful enough to accept that mild rebuke.

 

Liburdi's recent book "Italian American Fusion: Italy's Influence on the Evolution of America" is available at on-line bookstores and the Kindle Reader.

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