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Humor November 2014

Making a Curmudgeon List

By Sy Rosen

I hate having to keep buying more and more powerful reading glasses at the 99 Cent Store. I also hate that the 99 Cent Store is starting to seem expensive to me.

I was slowly driving through the grocery store parking lot looking for a spot when I passed this young teenage couple walking arm in arm toward the entrance. He was wearing these baggy pants that were falling down and the top of his behind was exposed, giving the world a big “hello.” As I drove by I yelled out, “Pull up your pants.” It was very spontaneous and I don’t know why I did it. The guy gave me a very angry look. I did the only thing I could do - - I quickly left the parking lot and went to a different supermarket.

I don’t know what’s happening – I’m turning into a curmudgeon. Actually, I think only curmudgeons use the word curmudgeon. I’m pretty sure that the reason I’ve been so cranky lately is that I don’t like getting older. I know people say think of the alternative. I just wish the alternative was that I could get in a time machine and go back 30 years, okay 40, okay 50 years (why quibble over a decade or two?).

I started thinking that maybe I was overreacting. Maybe it’s not too bad getting older. There has to be some advantages. So I decided to make a list of all the pros and cons. I have to admit I’m the kind of person who loves making lists. I once made a list of things I like about making lists.

 

The Cons of Getting Older:

  1. Telemarketers trying to sell me a walk-in bathtub because it’s safer. I don’t want to be safe. I want to be daring and adventurous and take a shower.
  2. I hate that sometimes I get lonely and I look forward to calls from telemarketers.
  3. Younger people sometimes treat me differently because I am older. They speak louder or they’ll roll their eyes when I am giving an opinion. I can hear you. I can see you. I don’t want to, but I can.
  4. I hate that I’m getting a turkey neck. I hate the term turkey neck and I’m pretty sure if turkeys could talk they would say they hate it too.
  5. I hate that my version of aerobics is walking to the bathroom four times a night.
  6. I hate that my hair has gone completely gray. And I hate that there’s this bald spot on the back of my head. I also hate that hair is now growing out of my ears. What’s my hair doing down there? Get back up on my head where you belong!
  7. I hate having to keep buying more and more powerful reading glasses at the 99 Cent Store. I also hate that the 99 Cent Store is starting to seem expensive to me.
  8. I hate that I’m shrinking. I guess I have to give up my dream of being a professional basketball player.
  9. I hate looking at the obituary column every morning hoping that I won’t see any of my friends there.
  10. I hate that when I forget things I start to worry that it may be a symptom of dementia. Maybe I’m just simply forgetting things. That’s possible, isn’t it?

 

The Pros of Getting Older:

  1. I have a 9-month-old granddaughter.

I know what you’re thinking – it’s not even close. The “pros” have it in a landslide.

 

Sy has written for The Bob Newhart Show, Taxi, MASH, Maude, The Wonder Years, and Frasier. He has been married for forty-one years which is great because they say the first forty are the toughest.

Meet Sy