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Humor November 2014

Ernie's World

We Came, We Saw, We Conquered... Thanksgiving!

By Ernie Witham

Forty people, three generations, two large dogs, one small dog, and a cat that mainly stayed on the perimeter and meowed curses at the incoming invasion.

“Sheppard, party of 40 your tables are ready.”

Thanksgiving this year was at my brother-in-law and sister-in-law’s modest home in Carmel Valley. And like every year they invited all the relatives. Unlike previous years, though, this year they said...

“Sounds great, we’ll be there.”

“Sounds great, we’ll be there.”

“Sounds great, we’ll ALL be there.”

Forty people, three generations, two large dogs, one small dog, and a cat that mainly stayed on the perimeter and meowed curses at the incoming invasion.

Everyone brought something to share. We had copious amounts of hors d'oeuvre including meats, cheeses, breads and enough veggie platters to start our own vegan colony. There was a cadre of casseroles, many involving beans of the world, Idaho’s entire yearly crop of potatoes, a couple dozen pies, and of course an abundant amount of turkey, stuffing and gravy. We also had a huge plateful of ham until we took our eye off the dog for a split second.

There were some less traditional offerings this year. For one, my wife told me she read that Bob was bringing a Salamander.

“He’s bringing a lizard? Is that like a traditional dish in Wisconsin?”

Turns out that was an email typo and what he brought was a salmanazar, which is a really big bottle of wine. So big in fact that rather than try to pour it into glasses, Bob decided to put it into decanters. This became a three-man operation. Bob held the decanters in place, I manned the filter and funnel and John was the siphoner. He stuck a long plastic tube into the elevated bottle and sucked on it until he got a mouthful of wine and swallowed several times.

“How is it?” someone asked.

“Tastes better than gasoline,” John said. No one asked him how he knew that, but we all checked our gas gauges later.

Sally brought a beautiful white lace tablecloth, which I immediately tried to stay away from. White and I do not get along well together. I got a stain on my last white dress shirt while I was still trying it on at Macy’s.

But then someone said Sally wanted people to sign the tablecloth with magic markers. I have fallen for this kind of trick before, so I hung back, but sure enough, people began writing all over it. When it came to be my turn I quickly finished my decanter, er, glass, of wine and proceeded to write about my early upbringing in New Hampshire, my journey across the United States, my years as a struggling writer, etc. until someone took my pens away.

At one point someone suggested a group photo and I said that’s a great idea, so they assumed that meant I wanted to be the one to take it. So, I finished my new decanter, er, glass, of wine, set up a tripod on the sloping front yard, falling down the hill several times, which was nice because I got to meet the neighbors. When I thought I had things ready I herded everyone off the deck, down the stairs and onto a flat spot, suggesting they all line up in an orderly fashion. Fifteen minutes later, I gave up, took several photos anyway then fell down the hill again.

“I don’t think the guy in back was smiling,” the neighbors told me.

When it was finally time for the big meal, I found my placard and took my seat. I think I’ve impressed the family over the years because they let me sit at one of the adult tables this time.


In keeping with tradition, Mattie thanked people for coming and listed their contributions to the party. I tried to remember if I actually brought anything or whether I left it in the trunk like last year, finding it shortly after the Fourth of July.

Finally, Kate, Quinn and Max performed a nice little Thanksgiving rap and we all proceeded to eat ourselves into near oblivion.

That’s when the music came up and people began line dancing in the atrium, which went on into the wee hours. That was good because it took that long for Bob and I to finish the salamander, er salmanazar of wine.

Can’t wait to see who shows up next year.

 

Meet Ernie