I never make New Year’s resolutions – mostly because I know I’ll fail at whatever I’ve chosen to give up, start doing, or lose, by as early as February! However, I do have a list of “marriage management” dos and don’ts that seems to grow at around Christmastime so it’s somewhat the same as setting a self-improvement resolution.
You might recall in previous articles that I've mentioned how my long-suffering, well- intentioned husband feels the need to keep an inventory of things he’d like me to stop or start doing in order for us to enjoy a long and happy marriage. Now, I'm fully aware that on the face of it, this might seem unfair and somewhat chauvinistic to the untrained eye – yet, to date, not one person, male or female, has read the list and not been a complete convert by the last entry.
For those of you unfamiliar with the complaint file, here are the top 5 of the already determined rules:
I'm not entitled to walk over to a stranger’s table at a restaurant and remove a piece of their cake just because I had to listen to their loud and intrusive birthday celebration!
I'm not allowed to bring up any issues my husband and I argued over while we’re in the car together. Period!
I'm not allowed to mention, compare or remind him of any of his previous wrongdoings, misdemeanors or transgressions while arguing about a current wrongdoing, misdemeanor or transgression.
I am not allowed to reach over to the driver’s side and honk the horn at a motorist who commits a traffic violation while my husband is driving. By the way, my husband didn’t buy it that this was merely the same as finishing each other’s sentences.
I have to stop sending greeting cards with cats on them to people I'm forced to send cards to but don’t like. Specifically, my husband’s boss and his wife! This rule merits explanation: I detest cats and sending cards depicting cats in any design is my way of fulfilling an obligation without completely surrendering. I attempted an appeal on this one occasion on the grounds that I deserved some credit for the near impossible task of finding a Christmas card with a cat in a Santa suit on it, but my argument fell on deaf ears. Evidentially, and I quote, “An ugly demonic looking, cigar smoking Santa-cat wishing people A Very Meowy Christmas is disrespectful!”
I'm not sure it was disrespectful per se, but I will concede that it was ugly! I mean, if it wasn’t for the red suit and fluffy white beard, you’d have thought the feline was sending its recipient a curse. It was hilarious! Ok, maybe my better half has a point.
So, onto the new regulation. It appears that I am somewhat OCD when it comes to cleaning. I attempted to rid myself of the affliction once by attending a support group but far from curing me, it only resulted in picking up tips from fellow sufferers that I wasn’t already familiar with!
My home, our friend’s home, mere acquaintances’ homes – it doesn’t matter. I'm compelled to clean where there’s mess. Unfortunately this affliction has cost good friends. It turns out that not everyone appreciates remnants of a previous meal being vigorously scrubbed off their dining room table by a neighbor!
Therefore...I cannot offer cleaning demonstrations or time-saving tips outside our home. This includes, laundry, personal hygiene concerns or my, “I just thought you’d like to know,” comments.
In my defense, this last incident wasn’t entirely my fault. How was I to know that the hostess meant for me to lay out the linen napkins instead of wipe down her table when she handed me what looked like a cleaning cloth! Granted, the lace edging should have been a clue but not everyone cleans with rags!
Alas, for all my objections to the list, it must be working because the old me would have already been out there, hunting down a convincing catty apology card to assuage the offense of using expensive linen napkins to mop up day-old PB&J !
To be continued (no doubt) ...
Exploring the burdens and benefits of being me …