Dear Miss Nora: My children are pushing me to move into a retirement home and out of the home I’ve lived in for over 38 years, now that my wife has passed away. I understand that they are looking out for me (in their own way) but I like where I live. I don’t want to get used to other people, a new house or a new neighborhood at my age. I don’t want to join senior groups or attend craft classes. I'm not unhappy here and I don’t feel that it’s fair I should be pressured into this just to put my children’s minds at ease.
Also, if I'm safely tucked up in an old people’s home, I'm pretty sure I won’t hear from any of my three sons again.
How do I convince them that I'm happy as I am? What do you advise? – Comfortable in Colorado
Dear Comfortable: Send each of your sons a copy of this letter, would be the short answer. However, perhaps there’s something to what they’re suggesting. Maybe you're too set in your ways and comfortable and unable to see that you need a nudge now and then.
Anyway, just because you’ve never done something doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy it now. It’s sad that your wife has passed away and it’s bound to be an adjustment for you but I urge you to quietly take stock of what time you have left now and make a few concessions – starting with a little compromise.
Without informing your children of your intentions, look at your local listing for retirement living or gated communities. Your use of the phrase “old people’s homes,” and fear of craft classes leads me to think that your stubbornness is getting in the way of education.
Consider it for yourself, not for the sake of your sons.
If after visiting a few places you still feel that it’s not for you, then hunker down and stay where you are. But at least you’ll know. And finally, before you completely throw in the towel on new beginnings, I recommend you explore a new hobby or pastime – nothing monumental, just amusing. Not all senior options are the dire, waiting-for-god event that you fear. I promise.
And who knows, you might just find out that your sons were right after all and a change is as good as any tonic.
Dear Miss Nora: I want to put the spark back into my marriage but I don’t know how. I've been with my husband for decades now and we’re both pretty used to the routine of almost 40 years together. But I don’t want to be foolish or scare him! What do you think about a romantic cruise or a long weekend someplace dreamy? — Ready to sparkle in Roanoke
Dear Ready: Bravo! But I must ask, why are you asking me? Surely after 40 years with this man you have a pretty good idea where all the bells and whistles are! Am I right? You don’t need advice, you need to recover your confidence and do what you know will please the two of you.
I recall with alarming clarity the one and only time I attempted to rekindle the fires that burned deep … deep... deep …deep … deep down in Walt. We’d been married for what seemed like ages and I came upon an advertisement for romantic cottage getaways. Without stopping to think about who I’d be retreating to the woods with, I impulsively booked us for three days amidst the picturesque greenery in a quaint chalet with nothing so much as a telephone to disturb us. In my mind, I was plotting a tryst with Adonis – well, the Adonis I suspected Walt had been hiding from me for the better part of our marriage. Did I mention deep down …? I wanted to enjoy the romance of being a couple.
Anyway, my first and biggest mistake was to ignore that we were no Ozzie and Harriet and never had been. In fact, I think we argued as we walked back down the aisle after just being pronounced man and wife. Far from harmonious rejuvenation, I ended up isolating Ralph and Alice Kramden in the woods somewhere with no witnesses.
My advice isn’t that you shouldn’t do something nice or romantic – daring, even. But you know this man better than anyone else on the planet. Had I listened to that knowing voice in my head, I would have booked us on a wildlife survival weekend. Treat your man to a lot of your attentions and loving. Be the you he married. That’s the best getaway anyone can hope for.
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