Dear Ms. Nora: My husband retired last year and refuses to help around the house – even though he is now home all day long and makes a huge mess. I tried to explain to him that I am not retired, even if he is and that we should now share the chores to ease the burden. But he just tells me to stop nagging and let him enjoy his retirement. How do I get him to help me without being a nag? --Annoyed in Arizona
Dear Annoyed: First, stop accepting the term “nag!” Nothing frustrates me more than to be called names in a disagreement. Walt once called me a nag when I reminded him to take out the trash. I held my noise, bided my time, and to this day I'm convinced that it was that very bag of trash he ignored being buckled into the passenger seat of his car that finally made him see the error of his name calling ways! He’s just lucky I hadn’t “nagged” him about clearing up after the dog!
Second, if finances allow, hire a maid and have this person perform the daily tasks while you take up a new hobby (I recommend something outdoorsy and exciting). Last (this would be my choice), firmly refuse to do his laundry, dishes, shopping and picking up after him. Do only the tasks that relate to you and stick steadfastly to this new system, no matter how untidy your home becomes. No nagging reminding ... and take up a new hobby (I recommend something outdoorsy and exciting). Mr. Retired will soon appreciate your point once he’s forced to purchase new boxers every time he wants to go outdoors or has to make an entire dinner out of nothing more than stale pasta noodles.
Dear Miss. Nora: I want to take a two week trip this summer to see my daughter and take a side-trip to visit my sister (whom I haven’t seen in 5 years). My husband of over 30 years says he doesn’t want to go even though he was invited and says I’m neglecting him by being away for so long. He has hobbies and all sorts of activities to keep him busy but says that I'm being unfair for leaving him alone. Is he right? Should I stay home and invite my sister and daughter to come stay with us – we have plenty of room and could easily afford either situation. – Mixed up in New Mexico
Dear Mixed Up: My advice is swift and to the point. Go! Go this year and go every year thereafter. If your husband was invited but chooses to remain at home, then your conscience is clear.
I also advise that for the months leading up to your travel, go with Mr. Abandonment Issues on every single activity, shopping trip or errand he runs. Stick to him like glue. Tag along to even the briefest of outings and see if he still insists on being inseparable. Not only would Walt be happy for me to leave him alone for two weeks if I threatened him with this kind of togetherness, he’d help me pack!
Dear Miss. Nora: I'm about to get married again after living on my own for five years but my children refuse to accept my new partner. I was a widow when I met this wonderful man so I don’t understand why my children can’t accept him and how happy he makes me. --Stalemate in Sacramento
Dear Stalemate: This one’s simple. Approach each of your children and ask if, instead of getting married and living happily ever after with Mr. Right as you’d like, you can move in with them – lock, stock and poodle! Demand your own room, insist on having a say in how they raise their children (now or whenever they give you grandchildren) and guarantee them that you intend on being as unfairly intrusive and judgmental in their everyday lives as they are being in yours. Trust me, if your offspring are anything like mine, the ones who were happy enough for you to live alone but object to you living in love will promptly recant their protests and possibly even attend the ceremony.
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