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Reflections July 2013

"60 & Beyond" Quintessential Finishing School

Oversharing is Risky Business

By Peggy Henderson

The critical issue of oversharing our day-to-day happenings, frustrations and dreams is because we simply crave a feedback of mutual understanding. We want to know we are on the same page as the person on the other side of the coffee table.

 

I overshare so I am. Notice the two tiny words – I. In our world of mass communication, our seemingly desperate desire to validate our existence makes us pawns of our own vanity. The perils of an ordinary conversation colored with the subject Me, usually ends with a bittersweet promise by both parties to get together soon. More than likely the next meeting will be via Facebook rather than face to face.

Today I believe that all the poppycock digressiveness of Twitter and ego-enthused blogs (not all, certainly) contribute to the dumbing down of our younger generation. As I write these words I realize that I sound like a righteous schoolteacher firmly planted over the next hill, but this business of oversharing has been written about numerous times lately, one published in the Wall Street Journal.

In an article (“Thank You for Not Sharing" May, 2013) Hal Shorey, a psychologist and assistant professor for the Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University, explained that the reason why we say too much about our personal or public lives is that, " we all want to be connected." It's a basic fact of human nature that we want to be liked and accepted starting as early as pre-school.

The critical issue of oversharing our day-to-day happenings, frustrations and dreams is because we simply crave a feedback of mutual understanding. We want to know we are on the same page as the person on the other side of the coffee table. That warm fuzzy feeling that comes from letting go of the garbage that clutters our brain also clutters our logic; never mind the burden we unknowingly unload on our friends.

For a fictional example, Charlene tells her best friend Lynn that her neighbor Alice (who attends the same church as Charlene and Lynn) has been indulging in heated arguments in the backyard with her husband Stan. Charlene adds to her story that when she ran into Alice at the mailbox, Alice quickly pulled down her baseball cap to cover up her black and blue face.

The girls’ natural reaction was that Alice was being physically abused by Stan. What to do? They ask each other.

After much stewing back and forth, Charlene receives a phone call from Alice. Alice tells her that she is recovering from facial cosmetic surgery. Alas, Charlene is left again to apologize to Lynn for yet again another unnecessary headache from prematurely jumping to conclusions. What can we do to avoid the tendency to elevate our status with others just because we want to impress or we are anxious that we will always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?

Dr. Shorey’s crafty advice left me with two additional memorable points. Does my listener have time emotionally right now to listen? Will your oversharing with your boss relieve your anxiety or make it worse by thinking (and not knowing whether or not) he thinks you’re an idiot?

I confess I'm not innocent in regard to chatting with friends and family members on topics that should have been left on top of a dusty bookshelf. But, at least I’m now aware that I should remember the tip of editing myself first and speaking afterwards. And perhaps less is really more.

In closing I’ll share a conversation I had with a relatively new friend that I met in my Zumba aquatics class at the YMCA. Our friendship has slowly developed with an occasional cup of blueberry yogurt after class, going to see a movie or walking a rail trail. I’ve learned that making a new friend takes time and patience. No fast rushing in and telling one’s personal history — it’s not only unwise but surefire to appear foolish and worse, needy.

One day at lunch with a group of old college friends, the subject of family secrets came up and whether or not the important ones should be revealed for the good of the family legacy.

I edited myself and replied, “ I have cross-my-heart secrets that I’ll take with me to my grave. I took a deep breath and said, “I also have a few about myself that I will for sure take to my grave.”

A little mystery never hurt anybody.

 

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