“I married him for better or for worse, but not for lunch,” she said.
Many a wife comes to this conclusion after her husband retires, and now hangs around the house day after day instead of going off to work as he had for decades.
Togetherness can be bliss. But, to excess, it can drive you nuts. That’s what many seniors have concluded.
Providing adequate privacy, or space, in a relationship is more important than many things, including sex, according to Dr. Terri Orbuch, a nationally known research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan.
Orbuch has studied the marriage and divorce and romance and relationship patterns of thousands of individuals nationwide for more than 25 years. Women seem to be more displeased about the amount of space, or time for themselves than do their husbands — 31 percent compared to 26 percent. Or so her study of hundreds of families indicated.
When Dr. Orbuch asked the women in her study groups what made them unhappy in their marriage, 11.5 percent said lack of privacy or time for themselves. Also, time apart gives couples something to talk about when they are together.
After I retired — or at least spent most of my time at home reading and writing — my much younger wife was still teaching for many years. I certainly had plenty of privacy. And my wife’s “space” mainly consisted of driving to and from school two hours a day as well as being at school. Now, she finds “space” by mowing our lawn on her tractor, tending her vegetable and flower gardens and being on Facebook. I find “space” hovered over my computer – writing.
Wives who don’t get the space they feel they need will find a way, according to a California marriage counselor, Vondie Lozano. They may withdraw or get “bitchy” and lash out at their spouses.
Some wives encourage their husbands to go out for lunch with their friends or set up regular times for golf games. Husbands who need their space will spend time in their workshop or go hunting or fishing. Some are even known to engage in late-night poker games. And, in a more positive activity, coach youth sports teams.
I have an old friend, a former college fraternity brother, who spends quite a bit of time on his 30-foot sloop, which he sails from Natchez, Mississippi, to Mackinac Island, Michigan. His wife, who once toured as a semi-professional tennis player still plays to a limited extent. They have more space than any couple I know. They are apart almost as much as they are together.
When my nearby neighbor retired and sold his business to his sons, he decided he couldn’t sit around the house all day getting in his wife’s way. So, he started carving a huge eagle, which he attached to a stand overlooking the family’s series of ponds. The eagle sculpture was so life-like, he was heaped with praise from his friends. This led him to sculpt a life-size black bear, a coyote, a large frog, a replica of a dog owned by a friend, a large stand of mushrooms from a stump at the edge of our yard (to my wife’s delight) and most recently a life-size polar bear and a shark at a granddaughter’s request. Both he and his wife have plenty of their own space now.
Some suggestions for those who feel the need for space: When you disappear to take the space you need, tell your spouse what you did and whom you were with – if you want to keep peace. Try to explain why you need the space and that it’s not anything negative about your spouse – just that you need the privacy or short time apart. And don’t forget that too much separation weakens the necessary spousal connection.
Tait Trussell is an old guy and fourth-generation professional journalist who writes extensively about aging issues among a myriad of diverse topics.