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Reflections September 2014

Maybe I Should Just Leave It

By Sy Rosen

And then it occurred to me that this pompous dentist’s very strange suggestion had to do with my age. I was at a point in my life when sometimes you just don’t fix things in your body. It’s like when your car has 75,000 miles on it – you don’t bother fixing that rattle. Is that what the dentist was saying? That I was an old rattling car?

I went to the dentist last week because I had a cracked side tooth – a bicuspid. I wish I was one of those people who knew the name of the tooth without having to look it up but unfortunately I’m not smarter than a fifth grader. Anyway, here’s the point – my dentist, a self-important man in his mid-40s, asked if I just wanted to leave it.

I thought that was an odd question and asked, “Don’t I have to chew with it?”

“You can chew around it,” he curtly responded.

For the rest of my life, I thought. And then it occurred to me that this pompous dentist’s very strange suggestion had to do with my age. I was at a point in my life when sometimes you just don’t fix things in your body. It’s like when your car has 75,000 miles on it – you don’t bother fixing that rattle. Is that what the dentist was saying? That I was an old rattling car?

Okay, maybe his suggestion shouldn’t have irritated me so much. After all, there are a few things going wrong with my body that I haven’t bothered dealing with. I’ve got gray hair, wrinkles, brown spots, jiggly arms and a turkey neck (I hate the term “turkey neck” – it’s insulting to me and to turkeys).  I try to hide these imperfections, of course. Long sleeve shirts, turtlenecks, and an occasional scarf and cap have become a way of life. If something goes wrong at our house – a crack or a stain –  we just hide it with a plant. And that’s kind of what I’m doing with my body.

However, I’m hiding cosmetic flaws – and a damaged tooth is medical. I mean, dentists are called doctors. Telling me to ignore a cracked tooth is almost like saying there’s something wrong with my spleen but I should just leave it. I wish I could tell you that I know what a spleen does but I don’t. It sounds important, though.

I decided I had to confront my dentist about this and asked, “If your patient was 30 years old would you tell him to just leave it?”

“You’re not 30,” he brusquely answered.

“Okay,” I replied, “but do you have a 30-year-old-patient who has a cracked bicuspid?”

“I can’t reveal the condition of my patients,” he arrogantly said.

I didn’t realize that a tooth was privileged information but I pressed on…

“Okay, let’s say you have a hypothetical patient who was hypothetically 30 years old. Would you tell him to leave it?”

“I can’t comment on hypothetical patients,” he said, dismissing my question.

I decided to confront him directly: “Why did you tell me to leave it?”

“A lot of different reasons,” he said. I could tell that I had broken through his arrogance and he was starting to get a little nervous.

“Like what?” I asked.

“You know…” he said. Sweat started to drip down his face.

“No, I don’t,” I replied, backing him into a corner.

“It’s because…” He was starting to develop a tic.

“Because why?” I pressed.

“Because you’re old!” he yelled, losing control. It’s strange watching an arrogant dentist lose it. He got all red in the face, his hands were shaking, and he started mumbling almost incoherently about how he should have gone to law school. I was afraid he was going to collapse into his spit tank. He finally gathered himself together and told me if I mentioned this to anyone he would deny it.

I felt victorious as I walked out of his office. Unfortunately I haven’t found a new dentist and still have the crack in my tooth. Oh well, maybe I’ll just leave it.

 

Sy has written for The Bob Newhart Show, Taxi, MASH, Maude, The Wonder Years, and Frasier. He has been married for forty-one years which is great because they say the first forty are the toughest.

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