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July 2012
Agelessly Yours

Blessed by the Gift of Many Years?

Hasn't he noticed how I don't as yet look into the mirror and scream, although my once vibrant eyes, now sagging neck, laugh, frown and puppet lines wouldn't have Glamour magazine clamoring for me to be on its cover. Of course I could always have one of those “touch-up” jobs, but who wants to be on the cover of Popular Mechanics?


The Perpetual Flow of Pricey Pills

When I finally do get in to see the doc, he inevitably hands me one or two illegible prescription slips. As I was trying to read one, it occurred to me that physicians ought to handle secret communications for the military. Between the dead language the docs use and their illegible writing, no enemy could ever decipher the code.

June 2012
Strictly Humor

Awesome, But Don’t Garfunkel Your Dog

Ladies, if your slip was showing in 1955, someone might’ve told you that “your pinky’s out of jail.” Gentlemen, if you found yourself stuck with the family station wagon on prom night, you had to transport your date in a “tank,” but that might’ve increased your chances of playing a game of “backseat bingo.”

April 2012
Moving On

Peripheral Paraphernalia

This week has been extremely testy. I went out all by myself and bought a new printer, uncrated it and connected everything according to four pages of instructions in four languages. I looked at all of the pictures before discovering my native tongue.

Ernie's World

The Grass Is Always Greener

Therefore it only makes sense to try bonsai‑ing cannabis. Kind of pot in a pot if you will. I even have a name for my signature crop – Ernie's Journeys.

Strictly Humor

Gardening with Gamma Rays

Despite my dietary non-investment in the subject, I was still driven on by a devotion to duty, owing it to the carnivores in this readership. Consider, I was researching this subject as a stranger in a strange land, where people say “thermally sterilized comestibles” when talking about canned food.

Strictly Humor

Critical Humor

No doctor or nurse should be allowed to let their skills loose upon the ill and wounded without a mandatory course in humor. It is often the panacea when anything else bottled, sprayed, injected or otherwise directed at afflicted souls falls short of healing.

May 2012
Ernie's World

Led Zeppelin and the Elephant Seals

At the time of our requested departure by management there were a dozen or so people living there and the line between when one party ended and the next party started became a blur.

Ernie's World

The Power of Suggestion

Today's clinic experience actually started in the crowded elevator. Because I can't stand the deafening silence of anonymity, I asked the guy next to me: "So what are you in for?"

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