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Humor July 2018

Laverne's View

Now Hear This

By Laverne Bardy

 “If you’d have just slapped the plate down in front of me I’d have been forced to eat whatever was on it. Now I have to make a responsible decision, damn it. Just bring me a pickle.”

Most retired seniors spend money doing things they couldn’t afford or didn’t have time for before they retired. Some use their retirement savings to play endless golf. Others travel, buy boats, sports cars, gifts for their grandchildren, or go on cruises.

My sin of choice is dining out – a lot. I used to love cooking. I was an innovative, creative cook who derived joy from preparing gourmet meals for my family. But, that was in my last life. Now I spend as little time as possible in the kitchen, other than to open the fridge for a swig of
Hershey’s chocolate syrup.

Eating out is fattening. A chef once told me that if he obeyed cooking requests of dieters the food would taste so horrendous, people would never return. So, if I order fish dry without sauce or butter, and it tastes delicious, it’s not my fault if I enjoy it, even though I know it can’t possibly be the dry piece of cardboard I ordered.

I justify the expense by telling myself that restaurants are a great source for writing material and, in fact, they are. I love to eavesdrop. I’ve learned a great deal listening to people who don’t know I’m spying on them. I grabbed my pad and pen when I overheard a woman at a nearby table explaining to her dinner companion how she makes papier mache puppets. Then I went home and tried it. What fun that was.

Another time I eavesdropped on a dogmatic, boisterous cretin who was preaching to his dinner companion that the Holocaust was no more than a well-polished newsreel. It’s difficult maintaining decorum when listening to a knuckle-dragging twit!

Sunday we went out for a late breakfast. We enjoy reading the paper while we eat. Mighty Marc put coins in the newspaper machine outside the diner, opened it, and reached for a Sunday New York Times. “Holy @$#!, he said nearly losing his balance in an attempt to lift the 50- pound newspaper.  

Just then he noticed a couple walking out from the diner. “Geez…do you think they heard me curse?” he asked.

“I’m sure they did,” I answered. “But, it’s Sunday, so I suspect they thought you were praying.”

Once we were in the diner the waitress asked for my order. I couldn’t decide what to eat, so I recited my laundry list of what I can’t eat.

“Eggs have cholesterol. French toast has eggs. Pancakes have eggs. Ham, bacon and sausage have cholesterol. Bread is a carbohydrate. Syrup and jelly are carbohydrates. Coffee has caffeine. Oatmeal won’t kill me, but if I eat it once more this week I’ll barf.”   

Unfazed, she shifted from one leg to the other, pen poised over her pad.

“Bring me a package of soup oysters, a cup of hot water and several slices of lemon.”

“Will that be all?” she asked.

“No. Throw in a side of turkey sandwich on whole wheat toast.”

“That comes with french fries or potato chips.”

“You had to tell me that?” I scolded. “If you’d have just slapped the plate down in front of me I’d have been forced to eat whatever was on it. Now I have to make a responsible decision, damn it. Just bring me a pickle.”

The waitress walked away with a head twitch I’d not noticed before.

We sat reading our paper when I remembered we were supposed to have defrosted chicken for that evening’s meal. I looked at Mighty Marc. “Did you take the chicken out before we left?” I asked.

“No, I thought you had.”

The man in the booth behind Marc turned and looked at us, so I couldn’t resist.

“I’d planned on doing that but I couldn’t find her leash.”

I figure it’s my duty to keep other eavesdroppers informed and educated.

 

Laverne H. Bardy transforms life’s adversities into hilarious adventures that boomers and seniors relate to. Her book, "How The (Bleep) Did I Get This Old?" is available at Amazon.com and other online bookstores. www.lavernebardy.com or email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Meet Laverne