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Humor July 2018

Piece of My Mind

By Dick Wolfsie

I’m good with a warning label on my statins, but if my garment had side effects, I might want to reconsider the selection. In that column, I also made fun of yoga, in general. In hindsight (ok, there’s a pun I didn’t plan), maybe I should have been less judgmental.

In a piece I wrote several years ago, I poked fun at people who do yoga. People doing yoga hate being poked — however, in this case, I was commenting on their preferred pants, made by a company named Lululemon. The corporation had posted a warning on their website: “In some cases you may experience extreme sheerness, especially when bending over.” I’m good with a warning label on my statins, but if my garment had side effects, I might want to reconsider the selection. In that column, I also made fun of yoga, in general. In hindsight (ok, there’s a pun I didn’t plan), maybe I should have been less judgmental.

I’m under fire again, after a recent column—this time about people who meditate. Here is an actual email I received:

HOW DARE YOU CRITICIZE MEDITATION! I WAS AN UPTIGHT ANGRY PERSON UNTIL I STARTED MEDITATING. YOU ARE REALLY TICKING ME OFF!!!!

Using all uppercase in emails is not a capital offense (or maybe it is), but it suggests that this guy still has a few issues. He did make me rethink my initial observations. In order to educate myself, I headed for a local health food market where they have a bigger selection of New Age magazines than granola flavors. I was trying to find the right publication, so I grabbed a magazine called Mindlessness, which I thought would advocate for my personal lifestyle. When I got home I realized it was actually titled Mindfulness, which was not something I was remotely interested in.

The publication was chock full of advice on how to focus, but many of the experts also advised that you should let your mind wander, so I became very confused. How can you do both? One writer claimed meditation goes back to the early inhabitants of the Promised Land who were shepherds. While the shepherd was minding his flock, if he dozed off, his sheep would do the wandering for him. There you go.

There are many exercises in the magazine, most of which you can do while staying in the sitting position — exactly the kind of fitness program I was looking for. Here are my favorites, and these are all actual exercises. The first is called alternate nostril breathing. First, "hold your right thumb over your right nostril...then release the right nostril and plug it with your pinkie." I figured I'd give that a try, but my wife came in the room and caught me with my finger up my nose.

One yoga teacher advocates "holding your ears down with two fingers and gently pulling them away from your head at a 45-degree angle." My wife caught me doing this, also, and told me to go back to picking my nose.

Another meditation guru suggests hiding your cell phone to achieve some peace. I don't need to do this, because I can never find it, anyway.

And finally, “Plant a seed, water it daily and expose it to daylight. Then enjoy the beauty you will behold.” I tried that with grass seed. We still have the worst lawn in the neighborhood. I’m going to meditate on that.

 

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