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Humor April 2017

Add One More Day...

Times, They Are a Changin’…

By Anne Ashley

Evidently, no more care from bona fide doctors. Nowadays, if you're going to admit defeat and accept illness, you're going to have to be pharmaceutically licensed and possibly flight attendant certified for good measure, to deal with your everyday health disorders.

It’s bad enough that I’m having to contend with alternative facts as news, nosy microwaves lurking in every corner, and healthcare being the present-day battering ram between the powers that be as though we mere mortals budget our health issues like we do our vacations.

Hmmm… let’s see, deep vein thrombosis this year or high blood pressure? I know, how about a long weekend to liver failure with a side trip to affluenza … ?

Furthermore, I'm starting to think that I'm being covertly medically trained as well as overwhelmed by policies and the policy makers. I counted five different advertisements in one program break that instructed me on what to discuss with my doctor on my next visit (as if we make doctor’s appointments so regularly that these adverts can catch us in between complaints), what side effects to look for should I happen to guzzle the prescribed drug meant to relieve restless leg syndrome, and how to manage the incontinence and gum disease I got for my efforts.

I'm schooled on how to manage my diabetic ailments and where to buy the “proper” paraphernalia, should I be brave enough to determine my own level of insulin reliance. I'm given the names of alternative remedies and brought up to date about the effects of possible dependency problems for enhanced painkillers! Dependency? Seriously, I only meant to cure a headache … how’d I end up with an addiction to solfaxafadden-demi-waddle-neck!?

I'm further coached on terms – both technical and medical, financial assistance in case I'm unable to pay, and compensation information that I might be entitled to for trusting the last drug company that meant to cure my shingles but gave me pleurisy instead – providing I wasn’t complicit with my self-medication, mind you.

Honestly, it’s ridiculous and unsettling. Is society that ill? Do we really need the crib notes on all medical possibilities because we’ve been abandoned by the medical profession? Do I get to wear a stethoscope if I pass the on-screen examination?

In my day, we were told to take two aspirin, go to bed and call the doctor in the morning for ailments anywhere from chronic pain to foot in mouth disease. But today’s medical instructions rival the Lancet Journal and now simultaneously include the almost inevitable measures to take when you want to sue the company for your mild case of crows’ feet turning into dropsy!

This reminds me of buying a new appliance and being asked in advance if I want the pre-nuptial insurance coverage for when it breaks down – and this is before I've even pocketed the store receipt!

I feel as though it’s the 1950s again and were being subliminally encouraged to dispense medicine instead of buying nibbles. (The birth of subliminal advertising as we know it dates to 1957 when a market researcher named James Vicary inserted the words "Eat Popcorn" and "Drink Coca-Cola" into a movie. The words appeared for a single frame, allegedly long enough for the subconscious to pick up, but too short for the viewer to be aware of it. The subliminal ads supposedly created an 18.1% increase in Coke sales and a 57.8% increase in popcorn sales.)

Although, to be brutally honest, I was sad when subliminal messaging was outlawed. Being stealthily brainwashed to buy soda or snack foods during a movie was my excuse for being overweight. It was my justification for gaining 30 pounds in a year. I used to defend that it wasn’t my fault that I chose to go to the movie and become brainwashed in the process – I just haven’t gone back yet to get de-brainwashed.

Evidently, no more care from bona fide doctors. Nowadays, if you're going to admit defeat and accept illness, you're going to have to be pharmaceutically licensed and possibly flight attendant certified for good measure, to deal with your everyday health disorders.

However, if we are to be drip-fed information, slyly trained to take over a corporation – why can’t it be something useful like subconsciously learning how to turn water into wine?

 

Be sure to follow me on twitter@anneashley57.

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