Meet our writers

 







Humor August 2016

Agelessly Yours

The Way We Were, Isn’t The Way We Are

By Karen White-Walker

We do our very best but sometimes with age, we either mellow out like fine wine, or become more obstinate and sour, like vinegar. We struggle for more patience and tolerance – so allow me to quote a prayer that one of my friends says all the time: “Dear Lord, please put one hand around my shoulder and the other one over my mouth!”

Every now and then I feel like the same kid who attended a parochial high school back in the day. But then it happens – it’s time for me to get up either from my bed in the morning, my hammock in the afternoon, or from my La-Z-Boy at night – when my delusional thinking turns to reality and I think, what if ... what if today, at this age, I was back in school?

Impossible! I’d never still be able to fit into those darn small desks — too much spaghetti, meatballs and wine over the years that has turned my waistline into a girth the size of a watermelon. Okay, make that a muskmelon – I’ve been dieting now for the past 50 years. And how about those leg cramps most of us get now when we’re sitting too long? If the lecturing priest in religion class could wrap up in about 15 minutes as to why having impure thoughts and acting upon them would land us smack into hell, we might be able to sit still, huh, gang? Besides, I must be on the path to paradise now because lately God had taken away all those lustful thoughts — darn!

If I were in school today, I’d have to be sitting near the front of the room; no such thing as sitting in the back anymore, because how else could we see the blackboard or hear what thefather or sister was saying? Haven’t you noticed how people nowadays just don’t articulate their pronunciations anymore? They slur, mumble and drop the first consonant and vowel of almost every word — it’s really pathetic. Maybe if the teacher used a megaphone so we could hear, it would help.

Remember how we kept our books on a little rack under our desks? I don’t know about you, folks, but nowadays, it’s mighty hard for me to bend over and pick up anything that’s below my waist.

Imagine being in school today and having the strength to carry those bulging book bags from class to class. At least we’d pretend they were book bags when in actuality, they’d really be totes for our medications that are too numerous to list. What the hell, I’ll try. We’d have pills for high blood pressure, cholesterol, acid reflex; arthritis, bursitis, prostate, vertigo, depression, anxiety. And no, guys, I haven’t forgotten about the most important pill — my husband’s little blue one, but too bad that without my glasses on, it looks exactly like…well, it looks just like my laxative pills. Which is why as I’ve aged, I sure use that darn bathroom an awful lot — a combination of that blue pill and a problem bladder.

Today’s lavatory breaks would have to be longer than our class periods. They say there’s medication for a weak bladder, but if I have my priories straight – and at our ages, we sure as heck better – I’d have to save room in that bag for the highlight of any student’s day — lunch. Years ago it was pizza with hot peppers, chips, Hostess cupcakes and Pepsi Cola. You don’t want to know what it is today — but I’ll tell you anyway: Oatmeal with raisins for fiber, bananas for potassium, prune juice for regularity and Jell-O, just for the hell of it!

But hey, you think we should complain? At 60 and above we’ve been given the gift of many years, more so than some of our beloved classmates who have gone before us. I pray for them. Please pray for me, for you see, we aren’t all blessed with great wisdom that should go along with getting older. We do our very best but sometimes with age, we either mellow out like fine wine, or become more obstinate and sour, like vinegar. We struggle for more patience and tolerance – so allow me to quote a prayer that one of my friends says all the time: “Dear Lord, please put one hand around my shoulder and the other one over my mouth!”

Now, hopefully, onward to seeing the ages of 70s, 80s, and if  we’re able to move and take nourishment, bring on the 90s!

 

Meet Karen