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Humor August 2012

Kitchen Aid

By Dick Wolfsie

We threw out the microwave that was over the oven. Nobody wants an appliance that's been stuck on "Popcorn" for two decades.

The Wolfsies’ refrigerator has been relocated to Habitat for Humanity. We don't have a dishwasher or a stove, either. The Salvation Army took them away. We threw out the microwave that was over the oven. Nobody wants an appliance that's been stuck on "Popcorn" for two decades.

Preparing for our kitchen renovation first required cleaning out the pantries. We found a bottle of Bookbinder Cocktail Sauce for shrimp. It was stamped: “Use by October l997.” I opened it and gave it a sniff. It smelled better than the fresh shrimp that had been in our fridge for only 36 hours. We also found some Orville Redenbacher Popcorn. Under Orville’s picture it said “Expires May 1995.” (That might have referred to Orville and not the popcorn.) There was a jar of tartar sauce that had no expiration date. Backwards, it spells rat rat, so I threw it out. We found an unopened bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing. The name tells it all. It had hidden from us for 17 years.

In the back of the closet, we found Greenie Hard Chews for dogs. The box said they were “best used” by August of ’86. But what could go wrong with them? I wondered. Would they turn greener, get harder, even chewier? That worked for me, and probably for any future dog.

Next, we moved our smaller appliances like the toaster oven and coffee pot to the garage, near our second fridge. We now use my work bench as a countertop for preparing salads, and on the front of the Prius we marinate meat for the barbecue — unless it starts to rain, in which case we just jump in the car and go out to dinner. Last night we forgot to take the boneless chicken breasts off the hood.

I must admit that our kitchen was very outdated, but I was still a bit nostalgic when I saw the room being gutted. "We sure have some wonderful memories in this kitchen, don't we, Mary Ellen?"

"We do? Oh yeah, like the time you used hand-washing liquid soap in the dishwasher and the entire room filled up with bubbles. Or last July 4th when you microwaved an opened can of baked beans. How about the evening you dropped your cell phone in the garbage disposal? Ahhh, memories.”

"Okay, you made your point, Mary Ellen.”

"And Dick, you can’t forget the wonderful meals I have prepared in that room."

"Yes, I remember that day, too."

Life during the past week has required a series of adjustments, and we’ve had to establish new habits. "Dick, I'm going into the garage to make a smoothie."

"Well, okay, but you’ll have to disconnect the shop vac so you can plug in the blender.”

"I already did that so we could plug in the toaster oven. So, is there an outlet available for the portable microwave?"

"Not if we want the garage door to open."

I can't wait until the kitchen is completed. We will have brand new cabinets for all our cookware and utensils, an accessible pantry for our canned goods, and a countertop gas grill that will offer state-of-the-art technology for fixing a meal. That day will call for a celebration.

Mary Ellen will probably want to go out for dinner.

 

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