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Humor June 2015

The Old Gal

Horoscopes for Old Dummies

By Anne Ashley

It’s just a lot of words that culminate in a recommendation that I pay attention to my inner voice. Which isn’t just hilariously wrong, it’s also risky because Tara obviously doesn’t know as much about me as she claims. If she did, she’d know that my inner voice is mean and petty and swears worse than my outer voice and should never be given free rein.

In the olden days, the most common method of obtaining a daily horoscope was the newspaper. Typically the advice was 20 to 30 words, harmless and, most times, bland. However, today a star sign analysis is a far more in-depth beast and includes so much information that I’d need a couple hours and a stiff drink to wade through all the counsel on my future and what omen hangs over my birth sign.

The modern horoscope now includes not only advice on what direction I should situate my dining room chairs – oh, wait … no, that’s Feng Shui, not astrology. I always get those two confused – but I can now explore my love life, dating, tarot readings, the Chinese calendar, Mayan compatibility, career compatibility, name compatibility, numerology, astro profiles, dream tarot interpretations and psychic readings, just to name a few, with nothing more than my birth date.

And don’t even get me started on the craze for all things zodiacal online. From presumptuous and unsolicited emails to daily pop-up enticements, I am promised that my fortune waits if only I’d call my personal astrologer, Tara. I'm given teasers as to just how lucky I could be, how wonderful life would be, how delightful I should be.  If only. And I’d be tempted to call too if my all-knowing mystic hadn’t misspelled my name twice in one sentence.

Anyway, here’s just a sample of Tara’s counsel from the past week:

  • Today you should be asking yourself a lot of important questions. Call me for a full reading.
  • Try to listen to yourself intuitively. You will probably find out that you already have the answers.
  • Call me for a full reading. If you’re in any doubt, listen to what your inner voice is telling you and call me for a full reading on what fortunes your future holds.

Aside from the repetitive reminder that although I already have all the answers within me, I should still call Tara just to make sure, you can see that it really isn’t advice at all. It’s just a lot of words that culminate in a recommendation that I pay attention to my inner voice. Which isn’t just hilariously wrong, it’s also risky because Tara obviously doesn’t know as much about me as she claims. If she did, she’d know that my inner voice is mean and petty and swears worse than my outer voice and should never be given free rein.

There was an incident not long ago where I stood in a slow moving line waiting to pay for my purchases at a convenience store. Now, my outer voice expressed my frustration with a well-mannered inquiry about perhaps opening another register while my inner voice seethed with hostility at the dope that was this bad at working at a convenience store. I mean, how hard is it to make change form a convenience-size purchase?

Anyway, I hadn’t realized that I had made my anxiety public until I saw the look of horror on the face of a woman in front of me as she turned around to tch tch in disapproval. Evidentially, I had also given my inner voice air by asking if the dawdling employee was blindfolded … or something to that effect.

Similarly, despite the comprehensive study, even my character profiles are way off the mark when it comes to stargazing aficionados. I'm told that Virgos are keen outdoorsmen most at home in the company of animals and close to nature. Well, that would be true if it wasn’t for my utter abhorrence of all things alfresco, flora and fauna!

Perhaps if Tara had hovered over her crystal ball just a moment longer she’d know what anyone else who’s spent ten minutes in my company knows – that no one in their right mind would suggest I go outdoors to be at one with the nature. I truly don’t understand the desire to make a beautiful home with all the mod-cons, personal fixtures and fittings – and then pitch a tent in the wilderness and call it a vacation. And don’t even get me started on camping with pets!

There was a camping incident in my past that’s still legendary to this day. Suffice it to say, my inner voice was given free rein once more when I inadvertently referred to the crowd I was with as dirt lovers … or something to that effect.

No, if Tara knows me at all, her daily advice would be something closer to what my better half always advises: Just try not to be so you about everything today. And stop sending the neighbors anonymous information on where they can put their pets up for adoption – they know it’s you!

 

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