As I'm getting older I'm spending more time at the supermarket. I'm not sure why this is happening but it's somewhat enjoyable – not as much fun as the movies but better than my last colonoscopy. And I've discovered that the grocery store is like a microcosm of life. (That may sound a little pretentious but I'm trying to make up for my colonoscopy comment.) Anyway here are some lessons I've learned at the supermarket that I can apply to my everyday life:
- Pick Your Battles: When do you tell someone standing in front of you in the 10 or under line that they have too many items? If they have 14 items, I cough to let them know I'm slightly annoyed. If they have 16 items I mutter something unintelligible under my breath. And if they have 20 or more items I will say something to them directly. However, all this changes if the person is over 6 feet tall and weighs more than 250 pounds. When that happens I simply say, "Have a good day." The lesson here – that can be applied to everyday life – is that you don't want to get hurt over six cans of tuna.
- Don't Be Intimidated: For some people choosing a cantaloupe has become a major event. They thump it, they smell it, they shake it. I've come to the conclusion that most of these people, like other so-called experts, have no idea what they are doing.
- Take the Moral High Ground: There is always one brand of apples that is way more expensive than the rest. In our grocery store it is the Honey Crisp. I don't know why they are so expensive; there is no prize in the middle of them. Unfortunately my wife Wanda loves the Honey Crisp. I'm tempted to tell her they were all out and bring her the cheaper Granny Smiths or Galas. However I would never do that. First because it's morally wrong and secondly because I'm afraid she would find out.
- Be Vigilant: Expiration dates are often difficult to read. As in all aspects of our lives we must be vigilant. Take your reading glasses or magnifying glass with you. There is nothing worse than expired yogurt (except maybe expired cottage cheese).
- Too Many Choices Can Drive You Crazy: In our supermarket there are 42 different kinds of hot sauces. I have no idea if I could actually taste the difference between them but I waste a lot of time choosing one. In life we sometimes have too many choices – where to go on vacation, where to retire, what doctor to go to, etc., etc. Like a hot sauce, sometimes it's best for our sanity just to have two or three choices.
- Be an Activist: I think bulk buying is anti-senior. For example at our supermarket you have to buy five cartons of Coke to get the cheaper price. That's tough for anybody to carry, especially seniors. As an activist I'm going to write somebody a letter about this. I don't exactly know who I'm going to write to or when I will do it but I'm definitely going to do it (I think).
- Be Responsible but Not a Fanatic: Should you bring your shopping cart all the way back to the supermarket or can you leave it tucked safely away in the parking lot? I feel you're being responsible if you bring it back but if no one is looking you can leave it in the parking lot.
Sy has written for The Bob Newhart Show, Taxi, MASH, Maude, The Wonder Years, and Frasier. He has been married for forty-one years which is great because they say the first forty are the toughest.