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Humor February 2015

There’s a New Heartthrob in Town

By Sy Rosen

Finally Ramon decided it was time to stop fooling around. He had to establish his superiority. He had to squash Summer and once again become the King of Assisted Living. And he tried to do it by playing “Bolero.” That’s right, he was going for the tango!

This story begins on a Sunday afternoon in my mom’s assisted living facility. An accordion player, Ramon, comes every week. He is 50, good looking, Latin, and is the heartthrob of the facility – and he definitely knows it. He struts, he prances, he winks – and the ladies all put on an extra dab of rouge when Ramon is there. Lately, however, Ramon seems bored and is just going through the motions like he would rather be somewhere else. When he played his half-hearted version of “You Send Me” he was really sending everyone to sleep.

I was sitting next to my mom and I could see that half of the seniors in the lobby were dozing but Ramon didn’t seem to care. He knew he was the only game in town.

And then the game changed! My daughter Ann arrived with her eight-month-old baby, Summer. My granddaughter looked gorgeous. Even at eight months she was making a real fashion statement with her bow matching her outfit. Ann put my granddaughter Summer in my mom’s lap. And there they sat, both of them smiling away.

And then a strange thing happened. All 60 grey heads in the lobby turned in unison and watched my granddaughter with her great-grandmother. Ramon was momentarily forgotten. The heartthrob had been replaced. So what could the accordion player do? Of course he stepped up his game to recapture the audience. Nobody was going to steal his thunder. He started to play faster and louder as he bounced around the room desperately trying to get everyone’s attention.

He played “Chattanooga Choo Choo” and “Great Balls of Fire.” Both songs were crowd pleasers and the seniors turned towards him, but then Summer would giggle and the audience turned back to her. It was like the seniors were watching a championship ping pong match – their heads turning right and left.

Ramon played his accordion faster and faster. He would crescendo and decrescendo. Everyone stared at him. Summer would answer with a coo and a gurgle and everyone would then stare at her.

Ramon's fingers were now flying across the accordion. And then he did something he hadn’t done in years – a quadruple bellow shake. In the space of one beat he hit a note four times. It was breathtaking and everyone watched him. Summer then made a sound, “boeleebboobbaa” and everyone turned towards her.

Finally Ramon decided it was time to stop fooling around. He had to establish his superiority. He had to squash Summer and once again become the King of Assisted Living. And he tried to do it by playing “Bolero.” That’s right, he was going for the tango!

And he didn’t just play “Bolero.” He also grabbed one of the ladies from her seat and somehow danced with her while keeping his accordion at full blast. Everyone was watching. And then Summer did something miraculous. She yelped, “Whoooo, whooooo” and wiggled her body as though she were dancing.

Game. Set. Match. Summer had defeated Ramon. She had clearly become the Queen of Assisted Living. And Ramon had no choice but to acknowledge her superiority and decided, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”

He danced over to Summer while playing “You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby.” All eyes were now on Summer and Ramon. But really, they were just looking at Summer. All hail the queen!

 

Sy has written for The Bob Newhart Show, Taxi, MASH, Maude, The Wonder Years, and Frasier. He has been married for forty-one years which is great because they say the first forty are the toughest.

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