I just woke up after experiencing a massive heart attack that killed me 20 years ago, at the age of 42. The docs couldn’t save me; so they froze my body until the right miracle of modern medicine came along, at which time I was refurbished and revived to start my second life. The docs achieved that miracle by implanting a digital heart in my chest. That gadget runs off the very same tiny batteries people use in their watches.
My first life began on a dairy farm in Wisconsin, a place where there was continuous physical labor. But in a weird twist of fate, I received a slew of scholarships that ultimately led to my earning an MBA at a very prestigious university. Then, “head-hunters” plugged me into a global enterprise where I quickly rocketed to the top of the corporate ladder. Everyone there revered me as being an incredible genius; actually, it was just that I still had plenty of horse sense even though I’d left the farm.
Well, my life soon started to change; I began getting accustomed to an effortless lifestyle. Instead of a standard toothbrush, I switched to a zero-effort electric toothbrush. Plus, there was no longer any need to manually wipe my posterior once I had one of those trendy “up yours” spray toilet bowls installed in my home. Likewise, the high tech thermoelectric wine cooler in my kitchen eliminated the need to make frequent trips down to the cellar via steep stairs.
I also stopped doing other things that were part of everyday life back on the farm, like servicing the tractor. Instead, the drive-through garage down the street routinely changed the oil and spark plugs in my exotic sports car. Then, carwash girls wearing skimpy swimsuits would detail the car; I was merely an enthusiastic spectator. Once back home, I watched busy lawn service guys mowing my yard, reminiscent of the sweaty days I spent baling and stacking hay back on the farm.
So, I decided to take up woodworking as a hobby in order to enjoy some physical activity and diminish my executive stress. Surprisingly, there’s no longer any physical effort in that craft. Hand crank drills were made obsolete by variable speed power drills. Instead of handsaws, carpenters now utilize computer-controlled, laser-guided electric saws. Plus, traditional hammers have been replaced by powerful pneumatic nail guns — often the weapon of choice in gory movies.
Obviously, without any physical activity, I had become a human marshmallow. Then came the fatal day when all the elevators in our corporate headquarters were out of service. I was running late for the annual board meeting, which I always chaired. As I was racing up the stairs, near the seventh floor, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. That was it — a massive heart attack! Into the deep freezer I went for 20 years.
Brother, have I learned my lesson from that first life. Now that I’m alive again, there’ll be no more effortless lifestyle for me. In fact, I found out that the old farm is still owned by my family; so, back I went to Wisconsin. Upon my arrival, I faced the most bizarre scene. My brother had leased our farm to the power company, and they completely covered the fields with solar panels. The black panels looked like row after row of dominos, continuing on for infinity.
But then I noticed what looked to be a bull and a herd of Guernsey cows over on one corner of the farm. I eagerly raced over there, only to find a mechanical bull, like the ones in urban cowboy bars. And when I checked one of the cows, I noticed her left eye was glowing green and her right eye was glowing blue — they were electric LED lights! I rapped on the Guernsey’s brown and white hide and discovered that she was made of fiberglass. Then I noticed that instead of an udder, she had four chrome spigots underneath her.
That herd of fiberglass dairy cows and the sea of solar panels behind them was such a shocking scene that my head was spinning and I started feeling a bit faint. But then I suddenly realized what my real problem was. My digital heart was slowing down because the tiny batteries were running low.
I rushed off to the nearest drug store, hoping to get there before the batteries, and myself, went dead. Unfortunately, once I got there, I couldn’t remember what size watch batteries my heart takes.
Holy cow! I’m back in the freezer again. Well, see you all in a few years!
Liburdi's recent book "Italian American Fusion: Italy's Influence on the Evolution of America" is available at on-line bookstores and the Kindle Reader.