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Humor January 2014

Ernie's World

Imagining 2014

By Ernie Witham

Another thing I was thinking about this year was what wondrous new inventions I might get to experience in the coming months?...Planes that miniaturize passengers so they actually fit in the seats? Hovercraft that allow you to get through Los Angeles in less than one day?

I was in one of the trendiest Santa Barbara bars celebrating the New Year, while enjoying a gluten-free wheat beer and tofu-crust pizza bites made with cheese from the milk of the domestic Asian Water Buffalo. Goat cheese is so last year.

Matter of fact, I was hoping they might have the highly sought after donkey cheese, but apparently tennis star Novak Djokovic purchased the entire supply -- for $640 per pound -- directly from the Serbian donkey farm that makes the delicacy (seriously!). He plans to serve it in his own new restaurant chain. I’m reasonable sure they won’t be putting it on happy hour pizza bites.

This got me thinking how fortunate we are that year after year people come up with the grossest – er, that is, most exotic – new foodstuffs we just must have! Especially if a “famous nutritionist” claims that this newly discovered food will keep us virile well into our early 100s, which he talks about in much depth in his tome: Is That a Defibrillator in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me. Then we’ll seek it out like it’s the Holy Grail.

“Good evening sir. Another gluten free wheat beer? And would you like to try our Teriyaki Cockroaches? They are injected with honey and soy sauce and fried until crunchy.”

“Hm. No thanks.”

“Mexican Ant Larvae? They are harvested from the roots of agave and maguey plants and have a buttery, nutty flavor.”

“Hm. No thanks.”

“How about a couple of Japanese Wasp Crackers? The wasps are caught, boiled, dried, and infused into crisps in the Japanese town of Omachi, about 100 miles outside of Tokyo. The perfect snack for a culinary buzz.”

“Tempting, but perhaps just a glass of water right now.”

“Certainly. Peruvian rain water or locally harvested electrolyte enhanced?”

“Could I get the rain water with local electrolyte ice cubes?”

“I’m not sure, I’ll ask our mixologist.”

Another thing I was thinking about this year was what wondrous new inventions I might get to experience in the coming months? Cars that not only drive themselves, park themselves, and wash themselves after the trip, but also imitate your own driving habits, such as turning on your left-hand blinker and never shutting it off? Planes that miniaturize passengers so they actually fit in the seats? Hovercraft that allow you to get through Los Angeles in less than one day?

Or maybe Apple will come out with a holographic phone so we don’t have to travel to visit people at all?

“Can I call you back I’m in the shower?”

“Yes, I can see that. Say, can you pass me the Brazilian keratin shampoo that combines the richness of cocoa bean extract, silk proteins and amino acids?” Apple will probably call this the iEye phone.

“Sorry, the mixologist says the electrolyte ice cubes have not set properly, but she can add some artesian well-water ice chips.”

“Okay. How about a twist of lime?”

“Australian Blood Lime or Palestinian Sweet?”

“Do you have Panamanian Musk?”

“I’ll check – again.”

Maybe this year scientists will discover something new in deep space like a much, much younger George Lucas or a used alien spacecraft lot. Or maybe they will discover something exciting on Mars when the rover rounds the corner of one of those craters.

“What the...”

“It’s an exact replica of the White House! And isn’t that Mitt Romney...”

Or just maybe I’ll finally come up with that once-in-a-lifetime idea that will be become my next book, then a television series, and a finally a movie trilogy: Lord of the Humor.

“Here is your Peruvian rain water with artesian well water chips and Panamanian Musk lime twist. Will there be anything else?”

“Straw?”

“Rice paper, sugar cane or reusable bamboo?”

“Bamboo, and you know I think I’ll try some of those wasp crisps after all. I’m celebrating the new year.”

Tomorrow I’m going to toss out my 2013 Mayan Gods of the Rainforest Soon to be Obliterated calendar and replace it with my 2014 Mayan Gods of the Rainforest Soon to Have Their Own Reality Show calendar.

I can’t wait to see what else the New Year will bring. 

 

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