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Humor October 2013

Wit and Grit

Trick or Treat

By Mary Stobie

Then I looked directly at the ghost. “What do you call a ghost who gets too close to the bonfire?”

“What?”

“A ghost toasty.”

When I was a kid, I looked forward to Halloween. As costumed children approached our door, they heard my father’s deep voice over a loud speaker, “Don’t step on the dead body.” One little girl said, “I won’t.”

It was fun as a child, but now that I’m an adult, Halloween makes me edgy. The darkness, the spooks and the zombies give me the creeps. My husband, fondly known as Watermelon Man, and I moved into a new house last year and didn’t know what to expect on October 31st. “I’ll bet we don’t get too many trick or treaters,” I said. “People take their kids to shopping malls these days.”

As soon as it got dark the doorbell sounded, “Ding dong. A little ghost, monster, and goblin stood at the door. “Trick or treat.” We gave them candy and wished them well. But with a steady stream of costumed kids holding bags open, within an hour we’d almost run out of treats.

“I’ll go to the market,” Watermelon Man volunteered. Yikes. I’d be alone at the house on Halloween with no candy. Would the kids play tricks?

Put eyeballs on our lawn?

Turn gophers loose in the garden?

Bring bats onto the porch?

When I gave away the last piece of candy, I got an idea. I made a circle of cushions on the lawn and lit a candle. The next group approached -- Marmaduke, a tiny Lady Gaga, Barack Obama, a ghost and a tall zombie. “Trick or treat!”

“Jokes are your treat,” I said. “Have a seat.” They formed a circle.

“Who was the most famous skeleton detective?” I asked.

“We don’t know, who?”

“Sherlock Bones.”

They groaned.

“Don’t you kids have a sense of humor?” I countered.

“We want candy,” they countered.

“Okay, here’s another one. Where do baby goblins go during the day?”

“We give up,” they howled.

“Dayscare centers.”

Marmaduke barked. I hadn’t expected such a tough audience.

“Trick or treat,” they shouted.

Then I looked directly at the ghost. “What do you call a ghost who gets too close to the bonfire?”

“What?”

“A ghost toasty.”

Lady Gaga giggled. I had a glimmer of hope. But my mind froze and I couldn’t remember any more jokes.

“We want candy, we want candy,” they chanted. A gang of moaning zombies trotted toward me.

My heart pounded.

Watermelon Man screeched into the driveway with bags of caramels and chocolates. I ripped open the bags, gave candy to the zombies and other kids. I stuffed a Snickers bar into my mouth to calm my nerves. But the sugar and caffeine hyped me up even more.

“That was close,” I gasped to my monster, I mean Watermelon Man.

So next Halloween we will prepare early.

We’ll fill the trailer with Hershey bars and Skittles.

And I’m telling better jokes.

 

Mary Stobie is finishing her untitled book containing her best columns from the last 30 years. Mary's book contains new material about her life in Hollywood acting in films, writing screenplays and performing standup comedy, before she became a column writer.

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