Dear Miss Nora: My husband and I have had many, many ups and downs over the decades. We’ve suffered serious illnesses, sacrifices and near financial ruin. We battled through separations and family troubles (on both sides) successfully. However, through the hard times, I’ve always taken comfort in believing that we were a good team and that our love would conquer all – after all, we’re still together after 50 years!
Since the beginning of our married life I have stashed away a few pennies here, a few dollars there and scrimped and saved where I could in the hopes that one day, we’d be able to enjoy a cruise someplace warm and exotic as a reward for enduring life’s obstacles. It’s been our dream to one day finally put all the strife behind us and enjoy the fruits of our labors – of which there have been few fruits and much labor. I'm not saying there weren’t setbacks and start-overs to my savings but we finally got there. When I had put enough money aside (with the help of our 4 children), we could finally afford a cruise for our 50th wedding anniversary.
I planned everything. I booked stops along the way, sightseeing excursions, clothing luggage, hotels (two stops and 4 nights off the ship) and made sure that the dream vacation went off without a hitch.
And everything was going well, both of us were young again with excitement. That is, until a few days into our holiday when I noticed that my husband was paying a lot of attention to a single woman on the same cruise. At first, I didn’t perceive that he was slipping away to take her to lunch or to an event … without me! I just thought he was getting some sun or alone time and busied myself with my own interests. I won’t lie, the relaxation and idle time was revitalizing.
However, when I finally came to my sense and the penny dropped, I confronted him about his infatuation. Of course, he denied it and said that he was just being kind to a woman on her own and that I was being unfairly selfish to the both of them! He invited me to come along with them but I refused, I wasn’t interested in sharing my husband with a woman who had contributed
nothing to the struggle to get here but was happily reaping all the benefits.
I was distraught. I couldn’t believe his insensitivity after all I’d endured to arrange the cruise. I’m afraid I threw in the towel at this point and just left Romeo to his new companion. I ignored them both for the rest of the cruise and have hardly spoken to him since.
Worse, the photographs of our time “together” include several of my husband with this woman at events and outings I didn’t even know they had attended together.
Am I wrong to be so jealous? Am I being selfish as I have been accused? I can hardly speak of the cruise when I’m asked about it – which is embarrassing since I made such a big fuss of it to whomever would listen before we set off. But I just can’t bring myself to recount my disappointment or to air my dirty laundry. I’m completely deflated and for the first time in my married life, I want to walk away and never come back.
Oh, one last thing, my husband is still in touch with this woman through emails. She is careful to address the emails to the both of us but what they are discussing in their exchanges has nothing whatsoever to do with me and clearly meant to keep their infatuation alive. — Done Cruising in Roanoke
Dear Done: Professionally speaking, I’m aware that I’ve only heard half the story and that there are two sides to every complaint, and that in all fairness I should reserve full judgment until your husband is given an opportunity to defend himself (good luck with that, Casanova!), but there are just too many tells in your story for me to think that there’s an innocent explanation.
I’m afraid you shoved, pulled, whipped and flogged this dead horse up the mountain without appreciating that you were alone in your hard work. You were so caught up in the battle that you overlooked how unrewarding the prize would be!
It doesn’t matter that your husband defends his less than chivalrous behavior. His callousness speaks volumes. Chalk this up to lesson finally learned and fill in the rest of your life with selfish pleasures and maybe a volunteer job to keep you entertained. If you choose to remain in your marriage, make sure you reserve days just for yourself. Find a hobby that gives you a long overdue time out.
And stop looking after your husband and his shortcomings. Let him fend for himself. Let him suffer his failures without you coming to his rescue. If he takes the leap to greener pastures, make sure you pack your whip amongst his belongings when he goes. Something tells me his new keeper will need it!