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Advice & More April 2012

Ernie's World

FREE Lunch!

By Ernie Witham

Some museums let you take photos of stuff so old even the staff of the “Antiques Roadshow” doesn't know what it's worth, while other museums make you leave your camera at the entrance so they are absolutely sure you can never fully explain what you saw to your friends and family.

"There's no such thing as a free lunch," someone once said. Obviously they got stuck with the tip.

I like the mail-in offers: Absolutely FREE! Just pay shipping, handling, a small processing fee and a donation to the CEO's Boca Raton Vacation Fund.

Or another favorite: "Now shipping with FREE software upgrade!" Which translates to an already outdated computer that the staff should have upgraded for you but they were too busy posting funny customer photos on Facebook.

Just once I'd like to see something for free that I really want like: FREE HBO for life! Or, FREE Harley-Davidson to good family! Or FREE BEER all day with FREE BAR FOOD served by Playboy models!

"Guess what?" My wife said. "Today is free..."

"Electric guitar lessons?" I asked.

"No, it's free..."

"All you can eat chicken wings?"

"No, it's free...

"Amusement Park Admission?"

"No, even better than all those things... It's free museum day!"

This is the point in a relationship where an immediate reaction can make or break the mood, or in our case mess up the final day of our France vacation.

"Wow," I said. "That's great. Wow."

I must have pulled it off because my wife grabbed her Marseilles guidebook and said: "We can't do them all unfortunately, but I'll bet we can do six or eight, maybe even ten!"

"Wow," I said. "That's great. Wow."

Now before you start thinking I'm some kind of rube who would rather clean out his sock drawer than go to a museum, I want you to know that there are many things I like about museums. First of all I love the stale, old, musty smells. It reminds me of my last bachelor apartment. Plus I love the people who ooh and ahh and mutter appreciatively as they stare at penis-less Greek statues. I also like taking photos of priceless artifacts to see if I have anything like that in my garage.

"Non, non, non monsieur!" A woman said as I took a snapshot of the largest collection of stuffed animals I had ever seen at the Musee d'Histoire Naturelle de Marseilles.

"What? You think I'll scare them away?"

Her combination of stern look and NFL fullback body proportions suggested that I should put my camera away and not pursue the matter further. But it's something I cannot figure out. Some museums let you take photos of stuff so old even the staff of the “Antiques Roadshow” doesn't know what it's worth, while other museums make you leave your camera at the entrance so they are absolutely sure you can never fully explain what you saw to your friends and family.

As a perfect example our next stop was the Musee Grobet-Labadie, which has rooms full of eighteenth century furnishings and tapestries that I took photos of, as well as a bathroom complete with an antique bidet that I really wanted to try out.

"Non, non, non, Monsieur!"

After my wife and I were escorted out of the Musee Grobet-Labadie I said: "Wow. That's great. Wow. Are we done?"

Instead of answering, she simply led me to the tram that we took to the old port for "more musees." We then visited several places not normally open on Sunday like city hall and the mayor's office, which was huge, with an incredible view and had a nice art collection, probably donated by hopeful French lobbyists.

Next we went to the old Roman port. It was blown apart in World Word II and when the smoke cleared they unearthed some very old pots that once held olive oil and wine, but now mainly held antique dust.

"Wow, I..."

"Just one more," my wife said.

I was hoping it might be the Musee D'Risque French Postcards. Instead, we ended up at Saint Victor Abby, one of the oldest monuments in Marseilles built on the tombs of third-century Christian martyrs.
We got to visit the crypts and I took photos of reliquaries, which are bone fragments of the saints housed in gold bejeweled display cases --- exactly the way I hope I'm remembered.

"Now what?" I asked my wife.

"Lunch. My treat."

Wow. Maybe there is such a thing as a free...

"Oops," my wife said. "I'm completely out of Euros. Do you have any left?"

Nope. The guy was right.

 

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