Sometimes we don’t know what to say when a friend or family member is suffering. The book The Etiquette of Illness by Susan P. Halpernis is most helpful for learning to find the right thing to say or do in life’s tough moments.
Here are some tips for being a compassionate friend or family member:
- Just reaching out is okay even if you’re only saying “I don’t know what to say.”
- Get some information about the disease, not so you can rattle off your knowledge, but so you can listen without having to ask too many questions. Listening is the key.
- Call, even to leave a message such as “I’m thinking of you.” It’s especially good to get a message that doesn’t require a reply.
- Send cards. Here are some ideas for what to write in a card: “I am sorry this is happening to you.” “I can’t stop thinking about you.” “I keep remembering the time we . . . .” “I look forward to being with you again.”
- Validate the other person with a few words like courage, resilience, tenacity, humor, warmth, generosity, kindness, gentleness. Please, no fawning – be genuine and give compliments.
- Give compliments when you can. For instance, if someone is bald from chemo, you might say, “On you that really works. You look great.”
- If you want to address the subject of the illness, you might say: “What is this like for you?” “I see the condition has left some changes.” “I am sorry you are facing this life change.” “Do you want to talk about your condition?” (Questions like these recognize the situation, give comfort, open the way for the patient to either converse at their level of comfort or change the subject.)
- Tone of voice counts for so much during illness. Don’t use stricken tones, minor key voice or make the patient feel they have to cheer you up.
- There are some absolute DON’Ts when dealing with a sick friend or family member (because they are not respectful of the needs of the diagnosed person who is trying to make sense of the situation him/herself).
DON’T, for example, . . . Tell someone a certain tea or vitamin will help . . . Ask them if you can call in a healer . . . Suggest that they “have to do this” or tell them “it’s the only way” . . . Use a must-do tone of voice (it makes advice hard to hear).- Confidentiality is very important, even though it is tempting to pass on information to other people. (Prayer request time at church isn’t a time to tell the latest medical information about a person.)
- If someone is crying, it’s only necessary to say, “I’m here with you. Let the tears come. I am so sad for you. Yes, this is very hard.” Tears come in waves, so staying quietly present can be reassuring, as can silently holding a person. It is not a time for correction, interpretation or attitude adjustment.
- Some comments don’t help at all and deny the reality for the patient. NEVER EVER say, “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. You’ll get better, I know.”
Keep this list handy for the next time you get news of a friend or family member who is sick. Read it over and then go and be the welcome visitor who says the right thing for the moment.